What I did this weekend

It started out simple enough. I left my apartment somewhere between the Lower East Side and the Financial District. There was a limo waiting for me as I left, and it was gorgeous. A late model Cadillac kind of limo. I then kindly asked the driver to leave his vehicle so I could take it for a spin.

I might not be the best driver, and as a result I crashed into a few street lights on my little joy ride. I also may have hit a few pedestrians as well, but there was little blood so I assumed everything was ok. I continued on my drive down to the South Street Seaport. I finally reached my destination, and got out of my limo. I may or may not have heard sirens in the distance, but all that didn't matter now.

I was going to steal a helicopter.

I walked on the helipad and ripped the pilot out of the driver's seat. He was sitting there waiting for someone. Maybe a high profile passenger like Donald Trump or Jay Leno, or maybe he was waiting for me. That all didn't matter now. I got in the pilot's seat and took off towards JFK.

I landed near taxing 747's and left my helicopter on the runway. I tried to steal a 747 by trying to cling to the wheel well, but the plane was too big. The sirens got louder, and I broke out into a run searching for a vehicle so I could make my escape. I found a luggage transport vehicle to drive, but the beast of a truck proved not worthy of a getaway car. Eventually I was shot along a grassy knoll near the Van Wyck.

I woke up again in my apartment. Was it all a bad dream? Maybe. I had a new mission though. My true mission.

I needed some poon.

I stole a nice bus this time. It proved to be very useful in driving over cement dividers and running stop lights. Finally I took a corner too hard and rolled the bus. There was a young gentleman in a convertible that tried to talk shit to me as I emereged unscathed from my metal box of death. I mean, he didn't even ask if I was ok. So I shot him. Point blank. I guess I must have hit his gas tank too cause the asshole caught on fire along with his car. That fucking showed him for talking smack to me.

Again, sirens.

I picked up the pace to my desired destination. Nothing was going to get in my way! Not even men on fire. Finally, I made it. I opened the door to air conditioning and the sweet smell of dirty pussy. I was home. I was in the strip club.

After being ushered to the back for a private lap dance (that's how I roll, yo), a nice young lady with brown hair and a hot pink thong began to dance. It wasn't enough though. I wanted more. So they brought out a blonde with a yellow thong and both of them girated on and around my erect penis. It was glorious.

After they were done, one of the ho's was all, "You're the greatest...blah blah blah" so I fucking clocked her. Right in the jaw. Bitch started to yell and was all, "why'd you hit me, asshole?" so I shot her. Doesn't she know who I am? This did not please the bouncers too much, and after a shootout in the main room, I died. But oh what a way to go.

Trilogies

Frequent commenter JHC made a comment yesterday when the discussion of trilogies came up during my post about Indiana Jones. He made the comment that all first movies are the best. I immediately had to speak to him about this as I was horrified. The first movies the best? That couldn't be! You see, it's been my opinion for quite a while that the SECOND movie in the trilogy is always the best (and yes, I do realize some of these aren't trilogies anymore, but they were at the time so shove it). Friends have immediately declared I was on crack when I have stated my opinion. That may be so, but I still think I am right anyways. When I formulated my theory a lot of these movies were trilogies, so please don't point out there are more than 3 Die Hard's. At the time, the 3rd one was supposed to be the last but some people can't leave well enough alone. Without further ado:

Godfather Part 2 - I remember seeing the Godfather Part 1 for the first time when I was about 12. I had to cover my eyes during they dead horsey part, but everything else was fair game. I didn't really understand it at the time being that I didn't really understand the inner workings of the Italian mafia in New York City in the mid-century, but I did see it again when I was about 19 and loved every second of it. The one critique I had of it was that it glorified a lifestyle that exploited honest people and honest workers. The emphasis of the movie was on the relatable inner-workings of the Corleone family, and the impact of their relationships with everyone. The result of this made me sympathetic with murderers, and that didn't settle all that well with me.

Now cut to the Godfather 2. Here we meet Michael again at the height of his power. He has a family, and a wealthy empire built on casinos, deceit, you know, murder. He stopped at nothing to get there, sacrificing all that truly mattered in this world to get there. In this movie you don't see an all powerful crime lord, but rather just a man who hates who he is and ultimately ends up alone at the end for the choices he has made in his life. Intertwined with Michael's fall from success shots of Vito's rise to power showing us the differences in the man Vito was and the man Michael has become. These are my favorite scenes, not only in this movie, but in any movie.

Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers - Long before The Return of the King came out, I read that The Academy was waiting to give Jackson the Oscar for Best Direction until the final movie of the trilogy came out. I remember watching The Two Towers in the theater and being transfixed. Despite the epic battle scene in the 3rd, The Two Towers is the movie about war. I saw it 3 times in the theater--a compliment I only afforded to Jurassic Park when it came out. Everything about the battle scene was perfection. It's good vs. evil in its finest form. For every honest man or elf, there is an evil orc with a personality of its own. The shot of Gandolf coming over the hill at the end is my favorite scene in any movie ever. If you didn't get chills watching it, then you're just not human. Maybe you're an orc? OMG stop reading my blog!

Back to the Future - I can't even tell you how much I want a hoverboard. I'm not even lying. Everything about this movie was great. The self hydrating pizzas, the fashion choices (self drying coats, self shoe-lace tying sneakers, hypercolor hats), Cafe 80's (oh the irony!). It had everything Back to the Future had, but more fun props and I loved it for it. And I'm still waiting for hoverboard technology to come out.

Terminator 2 - This one I can't even imagine anyone arguing me with. It's by far the superior movie in terms of suspense and story line. It comes with a total mind fuck too which leaves you utterly depressed at the end. No matter how hard we try to change our future, we can't. It's a scary thought to be faces with not only our own mortality, but the possible extinction of the human race. I remember being so relieved when 1998 hit and it turned out the movie wasn't prophetic....or was it? dum Dum DUM. (ok, I know)

Die Hard 2 - Yippy Kay Yay...Motherfucker. 'Nuf said.

Empire Strikes Back - It's darker than Star Wars, but doesn't have the ewoks of Jedi, but it's still my favorite. We're introduced back to Luke and Co immediately as the story begins being that we no longer need the initial character development needed in the first movie. Star Wars was great, but a little too happy go lucky with little struggle if you ask me. I mean, the only one that dies is fucking Obi Wan and he was like Father Time anyways. The actors feel more at ease in this film and I can't even tell you how much I enjoy Han Solo in this movie. Jedi is my 2nd favorite, mainly because of the ewoks and the coupling up of Han and Leia, but it still doesn't compare to Empire.

Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man's Chest - OK OK, this might not be everyone's favorite, but I remember sorta liking the first and not really understanding what was going on in the 3rd. The 2nd one was the only one that had me from beginning to end. None of these movies had great storylines, and really aren't my favorite movies to watch on TBS on a Sunday, but of the 3, I found Dead Man's Chest more entertaining, darker, and an even more lovable Jack Sparrow.

Look, I can go on all day about these movies, but I got shit to do, so I'm going to let the comment section take over. I do have some exceptions, like The Matrix and Indiana Jones, but for the most part I find my theory to hold true (please, I know what the definition of a theory is). Let's have at it.

Indy, I love you!

For those of you living under a rock, there is a new Indiana Jones movie coming out. I'm not really sure what it's about as Shia LaBeyowolf has sworn that Lucas and Spielberg threatened to cut off his balls if any of the plot was revealed. I don't get what the big deal is anyways. We'll all still pay the money ($11 here in Manhattan) to go see it regardless of what the plot is. What I can tell you is it looks like Queen Elizabeth is a Commy and Harrison Ford is old. I'm not sure what Shia's roll in all this, but he looks surprisingly less Asian than Short Round, and I don't know how I feel about that.

Hopefully this new movie won't shake things up with this theory I have. It's not really a theory, but I firmly believe that all people like a different Indiana Jones movie. My least favorite was the Temple of Doom, mainly because after the first time I saw it, I fell asleep with my hand clutching my chest, scared my sister was going to somehow rip it from my chest cavity. Oh, and the fact that it was perfectly acceptable for Spielberg to stereotype and entire culture's cuisine into disgusting dishes. I have eaten Indian food many times before, but I never once had to swallow a live snake. Just sayin'.

My favorite, and this is quite controversial, was Last Crusade. I thought the chemistry and banter between Ford and Connery was great, but I thought the storyline was the best out of all three. I usually get puzzled looks when I inform that this is my favorite, but I don't fucking care. What can I say? He had me at Jesus Booby Traps.

I'm curious as to all of your favorites. I've only met one person who likes Temple of Doom, and she's gonna read this and say so, but I'd like to know everyone's thoughts. Discuss.

I did it!

I just reached my fundraising goal. Thank you SO MUCH for everyone that donated and spread the word. I'll be thinking of all of you when I want to die!

Baby Meggie!

Addiction

Most of you are on Facebook and are well aware of the annoying applications that the random person you may have met out at a bar and added them as part of your Facebook friend group on your iPhone always seems to send out. Most of these I ignore. I don't care which Sex and the City character I am or which celebrity boyfriend I am destined to have (mine was Dane Cook. OK shut up) so most of the time I just delete them and go about my business trying to find out if all my old high school crushes have signed up yet.

Occasionally there comes an application that is so great, so pure of heart, it takes me in and does not let go. I have found one of those applications. And that application, that application is SCRAMBLE.

What is Scramble you ask? Scramble is Boggle basically. You attempt to form words in various non-linear combinations. Point values are higher for longer words, and all three-letter words (the minimum) is worth 3 points. You have 3 minutes per round to find as many words as you can on a 4 letter by 4 letter board, and the game consists of 5 rounds total.

Immediately I was sucked in. I was self-satisfied after I scored a 15 on my first game against Mr. Crimenotes, when he bitch slapped me right back with like a 50. And it didn't stop there. Both Flop and JHC have now been roped in as well, and we've spent our nights and workdays playing Scramble with each other--I would show you a picture of my Facebook page which is covered with updates as "Megan has started another game of Scramble! Megan beat her high score! Megan has no life!" but I have a reputation to protect. You know how it is.

Now, I'm a smart girl, but I come in 4th every time to these fools. Every. Time. It's infuriating. I'll get 15 on a board full of vowels and Crimenotes manages to get a 60 on that same board in the same round (I suggest you play to understand what I am talking about.) After another frustrating game where I came in 4th...

PlayerRound:	1	2	3	4	5
CrimeNotes (nudge)	35	65	91	59	56	306
JHC	31	44	60	53	28	216
dmbmeg (nudge)	31	37	54	48	32	202
Flop (nudge)	-	-	-	-	-	0

...the following conversation took place:

Scramble email: Crimenotes found the word 'Boomers' in your Scramble match!
Megan: I DON'T FUCKING CARE.
Crimenotes: Thanks for helping others cheat, Megan. You can always adjust your settings so you don't get Scramble e-mails. I'm just a simple man enjoying a word game and watching Indiana Jones trailers in between Grand Theft Auto games. I'm 31.
Flop: I found a seven-letter word and I didn't get an email like this. Dick.
Megan: I just don't get it.
Crimenotes: You're not being one with the board, the way I told you.
Megan: I hate Scramble.
Megan: WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?
Megan: SCRAMBLE SENSEI.
Crimenotes: Don't think about the board. Don't worry about it. Just stare at the letters and let the board absorb you.
Megan: Not even kidding, I have had the following words word in my scramble boards: cunt(s), boob(s), pee(s), fagot(s)
Megan: I don't want anything to absorb me!
Crimenotes: I apologize if this word offends people, because I don't ever use it, but "cunt" makes appearance on the board and is good for points.
Megan: I know. I'm saying I used the below words for points. Scramble encourages bigotry.
Flop: I've gotten cunt.
Megan: High 5!
Crimenotes: Remember that "fags" and "faggot" are British slang for cigarettes.
Megan: Coincidentally, this might be the first time ever Crimenotes gets excited to see "boobs"
Crimenotes: You felt up a pair of sweaty man-tits in a bar. You've been obsessed with and traumatized by boobs ever sense. Keep me out of your boobage/moobage problems and just enjoy the heavage.
Megan: Wait, is this like the force? Do you play scramble blindfolded?
Crimenotes: You can't play blindfolded. You need to see the letters. But like crossword puzzles, thinking too hard or getting frustrated will only fuck you up.
Flop: Fascism!
Megan:Well I suck at crosswords too. Give me Free Cell any day.
JHC: I like crosswords because the words ARE IN THE RIGHT FUCKING ORDER. You know, like OUR LANGUAGE! I HATE FUCKING SCRAMBLE.
Crimenotes: Nonsense. Both of you love Scramble. In one week you both racked up more points than I do in a month. Scramble blessed you.
Megan: Cause all we do is play each other in order to get better so we can beat you.
Megan: I'm smart! Scramble doesn't tell me my self worth!
JHC: It does me. If I had GTA4 I'd spend the rest of my night murdering hookers. I WILL SHOW THEM WHAT TIME IT IS!
Megan: I bet I would suck at murdering hookers too.
JHC: It's simple. You drive up, they get in, you kill. Quite unlike trying to make words out of iixooooiidxzq
JHC: ... and Crimenotes just scored 186 points out of those letters! WOO!!!!11
Megan: CRIMENOTES GOT A BINGO!*
CRIMENOTES GOT THE HIGHEST SCORE EVER
CRIMENOTES JUST MADE ALL OF YOU HIS BITCHES
JHC: CRIMENOTES SCORED 190!
CRIMENOTES TURNED WATER INTO WINE!
CRIMENOTES MAKES UP RANDOM 3 LETTER WORDS AND GETS POINTS FOR THEM!
CRIMENOTES KNOWS HOW TO MAKE THE CLOCK STOP IN SCRAMBLE!
CRIMENOTES IS 31!
Flop: CRIMENOTES TURNED PORRIDGE INTO BEEF SOUP
Megan: CRIMENOTES DISCOVERED THE MEANING OF LIFE IN THE SCRAMBLE BOARD.
Flop: CRIMENOTES' LACERATED HAND HEALED IN SIX HOURS!
CRIMENOTES WAS ABLE TO KICK HIS ADDICTION TO NICOTINE!
CRIMENOTES EARNED A FISHBISCUIT IN RECORD TIME!
A BIRD CALLED OUT CRIMENOTES' NAME, THEN CRAPPED ON JHC!
CRIMENOTES RAN OVER FLOP AND MEGAN ON THE BEACH IN A VAN HE FOUND IN THE WOODS!

* This is when you get most of the words on the board. It's nearly impossible as there are usually about 100 word combinations.

Sexy! Kinda.

Hi there!

It's been a while, no? Well, the good news is I'm no longer in excruciating pain. Right? Right.

So my training is going not well. I missed an entire week of training because of my jackhole of an ear. I still haven't gone swimming, so I'm about 77% sure I'm still going to be floating in the Hudson when everyone else is finishing their race. Something great happened this week though. I got to pick my wetsuit out.

The options were either sleeved or sleeveless, and I also had the option to check if I had any of the following "sizing considerations": broad shoulders, long legs, long waisted, large chested.

I wanted to write them back at what constitutes "large chested" but thought that is something I should never write in an email ever. I left the box unchecked and am now hoping my ample, but not ginormous sized breasts will fit into the wetsuit. They're my flotation devices. I really don't want them that squished, you know?
This bitch goes all the way down to my ankles, so only my arms will be exposed to the water in the Hudson. I only hope I look as cool in my wetsuit as the guy in the above picture looks in his.

I'm totally wearing it every opportunity I can. No, I don't mean just swimming. I'm wearing this sucker out. Like out out. To the bars. I figure I can pair it with a nice pump and be good to go. What? Stop looking at me like that. This bitch costs me (ok Team in Training) $400 and is aiding in my alcohol-less spring. You best believe I'm getting my money's worth.