I started my job in April, but I have been on COBRA for the past 6 months from my previous employer. November was my first month on my new employer's insurance. So I arrive at the doctor's office, I alert the receptionist that my insurance has changed. I give her my new card, she smiles. Everything is great. I meet with my doctor, reach 3rd base, and then we go our separate ways (typical guy). Anyways, I go to make my co-payment and the nurse flatly says "Your total comes to $275". Um, what? Apparently my OB-GYN does not take my new insurance, but the dumbass secretary (yeah, I'm going to use the un-PC term cause I'm pissed) doesn't think to tell me I might want to know that my doctor doesn't take my new insurance. Now I have to pay the 70% out of network fee which turns out to be an extra $50 I didn't have to spend if I had the correct insurance.
The bigger problem I now face is I have to find a new doctor. If there are small children in the room, best to shield their eyes and cover their ears cause what I am about to tell you is graphic in nature.
I have had more OB-GYN doctors than anyone I have ever known. I went to my first vag doctor when I was 19, despite losing my v-card the previous year, because I started dating my now recently ex-boyfriend (it's a little scary to read that I was 19 when I started dating him. Yikes). Anyways, I needed to get on the pill, yo! Condoms are overrated. For some reason, it never occurred to me to go to Planned Parenthood to get a prescription. That meant I had to tell my mom about my wish so it didn't randomly appear on my parent's insurance that I was seeing the va-jay-jay doctor. This is basically an admission that I was porking my boyfriend, and that is a little unsettling to a woman who wanted to be a nun when she grew up and didn't know what the word "fuck" meant when she saw it on an NYC subway when she was 18. To avoid any pangs of guilt, I told her that I was having bad cramps, and I heard the pill helps ease the pain. My mother then, being the big mouth that she is, decides to announce to the rest of my family about the "cramping" problems I was having during dinner--to which my sister responds with, "don't they prescribe Nuprin for that?". Thanks sis, for getting my back and all.
Now my mother, again being the lovely woman that she is, does not make me an appointment at a normal OB-GYN. She sends me to our family practitioner. So basically the doctor that I have been seeing since I was 7 was now going to see my lady parts. Luckily, our doctor was on vacation while I was home for the holidays, and I got stuck with the physicians' assistant that was new and have never seen before. A physicians' assistant, if you are unaware, can practice medicine under a real doctor's supervision. Whatever, just give me my sex pills, bitch!
She walks in and looks pleasant enough. I tell her this is my first time, and she comforts me that it will be over before I know it. She instructs me to put my feet in the metal things at the foot of the doctor's bed that I had been using as pretend gear shifts for my race car all these years. Then she gets started. What comes next could be one of the top 5 most painful experiences of my life. For all my male readers, the doctor then inserts what I can only explain as a medieval torture device into my vagina.
This contraption (called a speculum) expands a woman's cervix so they can get a proper sample to test for any abnormality. You see how complicated it looks to use right? Kind of like a vice grip? Well, my "I am a doctor without a degree" doctor takes hers out and gets to business. Then digs it around. Then tries to open it unsuccessfully. Then digs around some more. Then attempts to open it again. Then pulls it out. Repeat this literally about 10 times over 10 minutes and you get where I am coming from. She then looks up at me and says, "I'm going to have to get the bigger speculum. Your vagina is long. I can't find your cervix". Apparently the look of horror on my face made her think to add, "Oh don't worry. That's not a bad thing. You'll have an easy child birth! " What the fuck? Add another 10 minutes to her digging around with the speculum made for the "longer" girls, and she finally gets her sample. I immediately call my boyfriend once it is all over looking for comfort about being painfully probed for 20 minutes, and the only thing he can respond through his laughter is "YOU HAVE A BIG COOT COOT!!!". Thanks, boyfriend.
A year later after that mentally (and probably physically) scarring experience, I decided to get my prescription refilled at school with a real OB-GYN. Needless to say, I was thoroughly impressed that she took two minutes to find my cervix without the extra large speculum. I think all is great with my new doctor until I receive a notice in the mail that my culture came back with some abnormalities (ie pre-cancerous cells). So I have to go back. This time, my sister steps in and recommends the office she has been going to. Only one problem, all the doctors are male. I decide to suck it up and go. The doctor I end up seeing could be one of the coolest guys I have ever met. He wore cowboy boots and had gorgeous wavy black hair. My own McDreamy. Although it was a little weird having him talk to me about Organic Chemistry while giving me a breast exam. He said I had no abnormalities, and the test was wrong. This doctor became my doctor for the next 2 years.
Then I moved to NYC. I had no one to recommend a new doctor for me, so I called my insurance hotline and had them recommend a female doctor within a couple blocks of my apartment. I should have known better from my past experience with female doctors. I walk in, and end up waiting for a good hour and a half after my appointment to see this chick. I then get yelled at by her when I mention I came over my lunch break and now I am late for work. Jesus lady, what kind of circus are you running here? Last time I checked, I'm paying you for a service, and I at least would expect an apology since I'm about to get donkey punched by my boss.
I call my insurance company again the next year looking for a new doctor. I go to this other female doctor near my apartment. She only has me waiting for 45 minutes. She asks me if I want to get tested for STD's, and I say no. I've had a boyfriend for 5 years who is in love with me. I don't need them. 3 days after I see her, I get a call from a nurse practitioner. "Megan, your test results for any sexually transmitted diseases have come back. You're negative for chlamydia and HPV. Our gonorrhea test has come back inconclusive." UM WHAT!?1??!?!!?!?!?#?@?#?!#?!@$?!#$?!#?%$!#?%?!# OK, first off, I told them I didn't want the tests because they cost extra money, and I don't need them cause I had a loving, caring boyfriend of 5 years. WHO IS APPARENTLY CHEATING ON ME! THAT FUCKHEAD! I immediately call boyfriend, while I am at work, mind you.
Me: "WHAT THE FUCK YOU GAVE ME GONORRHEA"
Him: "What the hell are you talking about?"
Me: "My test results came back inconclusive for the clap. You gave me the clap! I haven't been with anyone else so it must have been you. Who the fuck is she?"
Him: "Megan, the tests came back inconclusive. I can't believe you think I would cheat on you. Call me when you are reasonable and not at work." CLICK.
So I go back to the doctor. Get re-tested for tests I didn't want in the first place, and pay an extra $75 only to get back that I tested negative for gonorrhea. And now I am in trouble with boyfriend for accusing him of giving me the clap. Rightfully so, I would say. My jaw was sore for a good 3 weeks from all the blowjobs I had to give to make up for my accusations.
After that fiasco, I asked my regular primary care physician, who I love, to recommend someone. He recommended my current OB-GYN who I have had no problems with (despite the fact his office is in Canada. Or the UES. Whatever). Yeah, the one who no longer takes my insurance. So now I have to find ANOTHER doctor. SIGH SIGH SIGH.