Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Don't worry about being a complete stranger, as long as you like to drink and you know the difference between your and you're, you will be welcomed. Penises, vaginas, both, we'll take whatever so email me!
Friday, October 27, 2006
Megan: Do you have anything long and black for a microphone that I am making for Halloween?
Sales Associate (who happens to be African American): ...
THE PUBLISHER'S CLEARING HOUSE PRIZE PATROL
Thursday, October 26, 2006
1. London, Lambath wants to see "me topless".
2. San Francisco thinks "my blog sexy"!
3. Hopkins Michigan was looking for some "sexy pictures blogspot" and naturally found me.
4. Someone from Chahar Mahall va Bakhtiari, Iran wants me to tell him or her a "sexy story"!
5. My personal fav, Riyadh, Saudi Arabia likes "sexy arby". Yes Riyadh, I couldn't agree with you more. Arby's really is sexy.
Now most people would be a little concerened that someone from Iran found my blog from googling "sexy story", but not me. I'm convinced that reading my blog will bring about peace in the Middle East. I mean, if hearing about me riding with a garbage man at 5am doesn't make you want to rise up against your government to stop nuclear proliferation, I don't know what will.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
This guy liked me
This guy liked Meghan. (figures)
Meghan and I in the truck. Badass.
Friday, October 20, 2006
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Monday, October 16, 2006
- People actually own cowboy hats north of the Mason-Dixon line and east of the Mississippi.
- Rascal Flatts is not one person, but an entire band.
- I do not know what a Rascal Flatt actually is.
- I am still not sure who exactly is the lead singer is. I think the band was actually reproducing right there on stage--there were that many people singing.
- They use so much gel in their hair I think I would impail myself if I actually touched it.
- They bedazzle everything. Their shirts, jeans, shoes, pianos, guitars....hell, i bet they even bedazzle their dicks before they fuck their groupies.
- Rascal Flatts ballads=panty creamers. I can't tell you how many people we saw dry humping when a slower paced song was played. Damn I was jealous. It's been a while since I've dry humped.
- I actually know a Rascal Flatts song--but I can't sing anything beyond the main line of the chorus, "God bless the broken road that led me straight to you". So much for being called "the Human Jukebox".
- Only pussy guys would go with their girlfriend to a Rascal Flatts concert when the NY Mets are in the NLCS.
- I am a pussy guy (girl, whatever) for going to a Rascal Flatts concert when the NY Mets are in the NLCS.
- I need to go to a Rangers game this season. I miss hockey/being a puckbunny.
- The Rascal Flatts cover of Hotel California sucks. Well, actually the Eagles version of Hotel California sucks too. While we are at it, the only time Hotel California is easy on the ears is when the Jesus is dancing to the Spanish verison. "You said it, man. Nobody fucks with the Jesus."
- Turning up the volume on my IPod while listening to the Flaming Lips actually does not drown out the painful noise of drunk 18 year olds with weird faded jeans on screaming how much they love being drunk, their faded jeans, screaming, and of course, Rascal Flatts.
- It's fucking cold out now. I probably should suck it up and wear my winter coat.
- When you attempt to take a picture through plexi-glass, you end up just getting a reflection of your knees and Chuck Taylors.
- The Rascal Flatts version of Life is a Highway is not nearly as cool or as good as the Tom Cochran version, but it was still the only time throughout the concert I got out of my seat to throw a few fist pumps into the air and rock the finger horns.
- Nachos are tasty. (I didn't actually learn that, but thought I would add that in there to show that there were some good things about the night)
- It's quite difficult to spell Rascal Flatts.
- I hate Rascal Flatts.
Thanks for taking me Mon! :)
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Usually when my friend's and I get drunk, we get pizza. Not this cat though. See that $4.95 container? That is what remains of a turkey panini he bought at the bodega below our apt. The same bodega that sells a whole ham within about 2 feet of condoms and AA batteries. Where the hell did he find those potato chips? Don't they make fucking Ruffles anymore? Last week it was even better-he managed to bring home one of those burritos that I swear these bodegas inject with formeldahyde since they never look like they will decompose. You know, the Mexican equivalent of the convenient store hotdog. Stay tuned for future posts regarding this subject. I have a feeling this could be an ongoing series. Now, back to the Giants game.
Saturday, October 14, 2006
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Me: "Well Saturday I might go watch the Iowa football game again, and get completely annhilated." (note to self: join AA) "What are you doing?"
Him: "Oh I'm going to a party on Saturday."
Me: "Oooo a party! Where at? I'll come!"
Him: "A sex party."
Me: "No, really. Where are you going?"
Him: "Really. A sex party. Would you like to come?"
Yes, I got invited to a swinger's party. Let me type that out again in case you missed it. I got invited to a swinger's party. Cheap puns aside regarding his "would you like to come?" comment, I was speechless. Shit like this really happens?
It took me a while to collect my thoughts. The limited exposure I have to "the lifestyle" is primarily guests on Dr. Phil and Eyes Wide Shut. Now the former is a little creepy to me. I imagine lots of fat, midwestern women wearing moomoos on all fours trying to blow their fat, balding husband while he awkwardly grabs the other fat woman in the party's breast. Good thing this is New York.
I explained my stereotype to the guy, and he said it was more like the latter only much less formal and homogenous. Considering I think Eyes Wide Shut is one of the most erotic (yeah, i did just type out "erotic") movies ever made, dare I say I am thoroughly intrigued?
Me: "Well, who were the last people you were with?"
Him: "Last time there was a Russian and an Asian girl."
Great! So my first experience at group sex would be with Mikhail Gorbachev and Kristy Yamaguchi. We can all discuss the difficulty of the triple Axel and how the perestroika led to the collapse of the Soviet Union. I was thinking more Tom Cruise (he was normal back when Eyes Wide Shut came out) and beauty queens. Whoaaaa stop right there.
Me: "Wait, would I be the ugly fat girl there?"
Him: "Haha, no. Not by a long shot. And you're not fat and ugly."
Me: "Wait, so I would be the hot girl? That's even worse!"
Him: "No you would fit in nicely."
So here I am, actually considering this thought. A nice, midwestern girl with somewhat limited sexual experience (and I say somewhat because although I've been stabbed thousands of time, it was all through a very limited amount of partners) going to a sex party? How was I ever going to see my parents again without self combusting into a million little pieces of Catholic guilt.
Me: "Ok, well I'll think about it."
Whhhaaaatttttt??? There I was staring at my words. I like porn as much as the next girl, but this was seriously taking it to another level. This would be like starring in a fucking porno! Wait, that doesn't sound.....no, this would be like starring in a fucking porno! Come to think of it, I was invited last October by a girl (yes, I was invited by the girl. Badass!) into a 3-some with her and her boyfriend. Perhaps I have I like group sex written across my forehead? And no, I didn't follow through.
I text message Megan. She immediately replies back "don't do it. You don't want the hiv." Oh shit! I forgot that everyone at this party's respective dicks and vaginas have seen more action than than a Jackie Chan movie.
So there you have it. I'm pretty sure my decision is a big N-O. I think before I go jump into the majors, I need to play a little AAA ball--or perhaps even AA. right?
UPDATE: to all of my friends sending me concerned emails like this one:
You're totally going to show up at that party with a weird harlequin mask with feathers on it, aren't you? And then the record is going to scratch and everyone will look up from their respective balls or boobs to stare at you.And to that I answer--only if Huey Lewis and the News was the music that they were playing.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
So far only a handful of guys have actually contacted me, none of which are the guy I had a missed connection with. Although I have yet to receive a "dude without a shirt" picture--so not a total loss.
I'm really kind of embarassed to be posting this, but you made me laugh, so here goes. I was running in central park yesterday wearing the t-shirt of my favorite baseball team. (not typing it out to avoid freaks contacting me). you raised your hands at me, I think in reference to the team on my t-shirt, and I laughed. You were also running with another dude. Anyways, I was on about mile 13 (training for chicago marathon in 2 weeks) when I saw you, plus a combination of drinking all day Saturday, I was looking a little worse for wear. This is a long shot, but whatever. email me! also, to any of the hot dudes I saw running as well yesterday, you guys can email me too.
Monday, October 9, 2006
God I fucking love this city.
This got me thinking as to why women actually do this. From an evolutionary perspective (physical anthropology major, work with me here), I'm not sure if I understand this "this guy's a dick, hence making him more fit to sire my children" viewpoint. But it's been years since I have studied that stuff, not to mention I am a horrible writer, so we'll just focus on my conslusion as to why women are attracted to assholes. They want to be the one that changes them. To change a guy from an asshole to a guy who loves puppies and unicorns, respects women, and romance for the sake of romance (romance for the sake of pussy does not count) is like the Holy Grail for women. I blame the entertainment industry. Women are bombarded with chick lit and flicks about how the ugly duckling gets Prince Charming in the end based only on her charming personality. Look at Snow White. Do you really think any self respecting guy would sit their and pine away at a girl that is very clearly dead? No, he'd be on to the next piece of ass using the "so I'm a prince..." line hoping she is just dumb enough to fall for it.
This is not a condescending post to all women by any means since I am just as guilty of this phenomenon as the next girl. My ex's nickname in college was the "Assman", (being that he pulled a shitload amount of ass, not that he had a big ass) and I was actually proud of that fact. Here was this somewhat promiscuous dick of a guy, and he fell in love with me based off my amazing rack and charming personality. He gave up a lifetime (so to speak) of easy pussy for me. I changed him. I win! The ironic thing is, I turned out being the ass towards the end who got bored. He just wasn't the dick I fell in love with and he actually had (gulp) feelings.
So point being, am I dumb enough to fall for an asshole again? Hopefully not, but it's a game that seems to repeat itself time and again, and I am batting a thousand.But if by some chance Tucker calls me after reading this glorious blog post, I'm definitely hanging up. Yes, for sure. Definitely.
Sunday, October 8, 2006
5) Stalk people on myspace for a good hour before falling asleep at 1:30am.
6) Skipping the actual race at 9am.
8) End up at a Florida bar (WTF?), and talk shit to all those around me. (Note: I only look like I'm sporting a mustache, thankyouverymuch. My upper lip is actually 'stache free.)
Saturday, October 7, 2006
Me: Dude, I know why I can't find a guy. I'm in love with you. I just know in my heart of hearts that I'm just never going to do better.
Meghan: I know!
Me: I wish we were lesbians.
Meghan: sigh. Dude, the Empire State Building is red, white and green. What's that for?
Me (suddenly filled with tears at the thought of my hetero life partner changing the subject so quickly): uh.....Christmas?
Meghan: No, I think it's for Columbus Day.
Me: How the fuck do those colors relate to Columbus?
Meghan: Wasn't he Italian?
Me: No, I think Portuguese.
Meghan: Portugal's flag has the same colors as Italy.
Angry short bald man walking past us: Columbus was a murderer!
Me: That could have been the strangest moment of my life.
Meghan: I know! I'm quite frightened.
Friday, October 6, 2006
But he is not the true purpose of this post. My friends and I have an on-going list on men (and some women) we are strangely attracted to. You know, guys you want to bang, but no one else in their right mind would agree. Rudy was and always will be my #1 since he singled me out in class in did me right on the lecture hall stage. Errrr, yeah. Other men on our list include John Goodmann ("Donny, you're out of your element!"), Bobby Flay (he isn't so strangely attractive anymore. now just attractive), Matt LeBlanc, the lead singer from Nickelback (this I so don't see, but whatever. I'm not the one who put him on the list), the guitar player from No Doubt, Dan Gladden (all me, baby), Adrian Brody (it's the loooonnnnggg nose i think), Turtle and Drama from Entourage, Steve Perry (again, all me).
Thursday, October 5, 2006
Wednesday, October 4, 2006
The other day I was running around Central Park. I was hanging out at my favorite water fountain (yeah, I have a favorite. who doesn't?) around 110th St on that bitch of a hill on the west side. A crazy dude approached me and proceeded to have this conversation with me:
Him (reeking of urine and cigarette smoke, mind you) : "You shouldn't smoke. I just quit last week, and it was the best thing I have ever done for myself"
Me: "I'm running, dude. The last thing I want to do is smoke."
Him: "Well you shouldn't. It's a very difficult habit to break."
Me: "Yeah, I can imagine."
Him: "I love to smoke."
Me: "But I thought you just quit?"
Him: "I did"
Him: "Have you ever had a cigarette?"
Him: "But you don't smoke?"
(his preoccupation with me smoking is starting to get a little creepy)
Him: "You're too nice to be from New York."
Me: "No, I live here."
Him: "But are you from here?"
Me: "Oh no. I am from the midwest."
Him: "Thank you for talking to me."
Me: "You're welcome. Have a nice day"
Him: "You're the most beautiful girl in all the land."
OK so he never really said that, but I thought it about myself right then. Turns out being nice to the homeless won't give you ebola.
Tuesday, October 3, 2006
With the impending possibility of another subway series--something only people in New York could possibly want to see, I'm sure I'll be hearing this shit until one team is eliminated--I'm talking to you "Gaykees." See what I just did there? I'm already starting to hear conversations of ,"Who is cuter? David Wright or Derek Jeter???" but mostly from guys I think.
To me, this is the equivalent of someone living in the era of the Civil War and saying, "I just hope someone in the US wins!"Or like the religious equivalent of bisexuality-- "Jews for Jesus." You get one fucking religion. Pick a side, d-bag. It's black and white.
This is fucking war. And you better believe none of this shit would EVER be seen in New York if I have anything to say about it.
Monday, October 2, 2006
Sunday, October 1, 2006
Now, back to nursing my hangover. 0-2 in Beirut last night. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck.
pictures on Flickr.
UPDATE: the day did get supremely better with the TWINS WINNING THE DIVISION!