Real people pay rent!

That's it, Real World. After close to a 15 year love (actually more hate) affair with you I am done. Done Done Done. Last night there was absolutely nothing on tv, so I was able to catch up on the season premiere and this week's new episode. Let me say it will probably be my last. First, the Real World has taken a revolutionary idea and turned it into a drunken college hookup cliché. If that makes any sense. We started off the first 8 or 9 seasons with "real" people, and then by the Chicago or Vegas season, the producers seem to have caught on that if you show people getting drunk, hooking up, and fighting, more people watch. Now the show is no longer seven "strangers", but more like one slut, one frat guy/meatstick, one gay guy, one angry black guy, one really crazy chick, one guy who appears to be normal but they never show him on tv cause he is normal, and the Southern girl with nothing between her ears.

Of course you can interchange all of these castmembers into various casts--like having two meatsticks (Austin), two sluts (Denver), an angry black girls (Vegas), two gay guys (Philadelphia). I can go on.

But let me get back to the Denver episode. During the first 15 minutes we are introduced to Colie who went to Tulane. Of course we are flashed images of ruined homes from Hurricane Katrina. What they seem to gloss over was that Colie was from...get this....JERSEY, and that Tulane was not really affected by Hurricane Katrina (it's in the French Quarter which is actually above sea level), but we're supposed to feel bad for this rich bitch anyways. Whatever. OK moving on. Then I think we meet Jenn, who states that she was a former cheerleader from "the most prestigous team in the NFL.". The Raiders. Yeah, I'll let that one marinate a little.

Done? OK. Good. Next we meet some other people that I don't remember their names. I do remember seeing the "angry black guy" talk about his religion and how being gay is a sin. Hey douchebag, your face is a sin. Get off my fucking tv. There is also some chick (the dumb Southern girl) who keeps on yelling, "I want a gay roommate! I want a gay roommate!". WTF? Have you ever met someone who is actually gay before? And did it ever cross your dim mind that maybe someone is actually gay, but they might be trying to practice discretion and maybe didn't feel the need to walk in with "I'm a homosexual" written across their t-shirt? This chick of course participates in the what has now become routine act of making out with your female roommate in the hot tub.There is another black guy who seems to be a good deuce, deuce and a half. He is a fucking tank, but he is still a tossup to play the angry black guy or the guy who no ones pays attention to. Then we actually have the gay guy, who is as big of an oxymoron as I have ever seen--a baptist homosexual. Riiiiiigggghhhttt. Last we have Alex, the token meatstick.

Now it seems to be part of the formula to have the "meatstick" (aka Alex) hook up with the slut (aka Jenn), but Colie goes in and says, "I like to makeout. It's what I do." What the fuck does that mean? Colie, I breath oxygen and respirate out carbon dioxide. THAT'S WHAT I DO. So now we appear to have two sluts in the house and not enough meatsticks to go around for both of them. Colie gets to Alex first as they makeout ON THE FIRST NIGHT THEY ARE IN THE HOUSE. Does someone want to tell these people that making out with your roommate probably is not the best idea? Especially on the first day? OK so flash foward to the NEXT night and we see Colie trying seduce Alex into her bed, but he is clearly not interested, cause he is already moved on to the next easy pussy in the house, Jenn. Then these two start hooking up and actually have sex. Oh good fucking lord.

So now we are on to the 2nd episode of the season where Colie and Jenn are in tears because Jenn didn't mean to hurt Colie. Is this like the 3rd day? These two bitches are sobbing over a guy who clearly doesn't give two shits about either of them, and now they are telling each other they love each other. There isn't much I love after three days after I meet it except maybe Pancheros.

OK So then this bitch Colie decides that Alex's indifference towards her is infuriating so she goes out THE NEXT NIGHT and brings some dude home who seems to be an even bigger meatstick than Alex. Seriously, bitch. Just try and keep your legs closed for a night, cool? It seems to make Alex jealous, cause, well, he is a meatstick. They end up hooking up again what I believe is THE NEXT NIGHT. So what, after 4 days this guy nailed two of his roommates? He isn't even that hot. I mean, if he was Ryan Gosling I would understand, but this guy has earrings in both ears I think.

My friend Ria mentioned that this show is like a drug, and I agree. I don't know if I'm going to be able to quit this show cold turkey either. Cut to me next week with the metaphorical needle in my arm screaming at my tv, "I wish I knew how to quit you!". I need help.

That's it! I am moving.

THERE IS A PANCHIE'S IN ILLINOIS

For those of you who have not had the pleasure of dining at Pancheros, please let me tell you they have the best burritos/quesadillas ever. EVER. EVER EVER EVER. I'm not just talking drunk at 3 am good. They are actually that good SOBER. I used to eat Pancheros literally every day at lunch in college. And now my Chicago friends get to dine on them whenever they please. You guys suck.

Budget cuts all around

Apparently my company can't even afford the top of the Christmas trees in our lobby. This tree has been like this all week. Sad.

Liar, liar pants on fire!

Last night I was talking on the phone with a guy I met a few weeks ago. Now I haven't determined if I really want to have sexy time with him yet, but we've been talking on the phone a little bit for a couple weeks now and he makes me giggle, so I'm going with it. Anyways, after accusing him of not knowing who the Coen Brothers were (I was watching the Hudsucker Proxy--"I'll be my Pulitzer on it!"), our converstaion naturally turned to sex. After speaking about my mastubatory habits with pretty much a stranger, I mentioned how easily I can have an orgasm. Now no guy has ever gotten me off by going down on me. Maybe because I don't let guys do it to me very often. Something about having a random dude's face down there seems a little violating. But to quote Chasing Amy, "Every woman, be it a nun, mother or nurse craves some serious deep dicking". And I agree. When having sex, I can get off usually faster than the guy and have an infinate number of orgasms after (although they start decreasing with intensity after the first). I'm easy, what can I say?

I'm not sure if he believed me or not, so I brought up that I can also have orgasms on certain weight machines at the gym--usually the ones that involve ab crunches or whatever. I guess I just work out a little more than my abs. Before everyone's imagination starts running wild and begins to think me in some toe curling orgasm, screaming in the middle of the gym, let me say I can control myself pretty well (unlike other people at the gym). I make no noise and just shake a little which can be brushed off to the fact that I am actually working out.

After telling my friend that, he REALLY didn't believe me. And I actually don't use this machine too frequently due to the fact of having an orgasm in front of about 75 people is a little weird, unless you are at a sex party. Then it's cool. So is it really that uncommon for women to have orgasms this easily? Should I be thanking God everyday for this ability? And why is it that the simple task of doing leg lifts can give me an orgasm, but a guy's tongue can't? These are questions I want answered people!

The obligatory subway airport rant

Considering I spent the entire weekend stuffing myself into a tryptophan induced food coma, trying to calm small children down into wearing the Lightning McQueen underwear instead of the Thomas the Train underwear that were worn the previous day and had skid marks all over them, being dragged around various midwestern malls listening to my mom complain about how Macy's is shit compared to Marshall Fields (ok, those who know me may find that funny for reasons I would rather not say on a blog...), and having my brother-in-law yell at me for spending $65 on John Mayer tickets at the Garden and then proceed to make me watch "a real band" on DVD (i.e. countless hours of The Grateful Dead's Closing of Wunderland where the only song he really knew was Scarlet Bagonias. Pathetic.), the last thing I wanted were airport troubles. Unfortunately for me, that's exactly what I got.
Now I don't complain about much in this world. Despite what I bitch about in this blog, I'm actually a very patient person. I usually give people the benefit of the doubt, but after yesterday I'm giving everyone the benefit of the doubt with the exception of everyone travelling in an airport the same day as me. So consider this post a public service announcement as I get a few things off my chest.

1. The airport security checkpoint - Without fail I always get behing the person who seems to have never passed through aiport security before. People, metal makes the scanner go off. So why do you think your big "I love texas" belt buckle is somehow going to magically transform into plastic and you're going to get through unnoticed? Oh yeah, and September 11 happened um, what, like over 5 years ago? Was the last time you left Minnesota in 1978? Cause last time I checked, everyone has to take their shoes off to pass through security. Oh wait, there are only 5 bins left? Don't worry, feel free to use all of them to separate out all of your 5 bags you are bringing on the plane.


2. Carry-on baggage - Speaking of carry-on baggage, isn't the rule one carry on bag plus a purse? So why do most women feel the need to carry on about 8 bags? Then they all try and shove the damn thing anywhere they can fit it. You're sitting in the back of the plane? Oh don't worry, there is room up in the front of the plane for your over-stuffed suitcase filled with beanie-babies that you couldn't BARE to check. I mean, it takes sooooo long for you to wait for your bag at the baggage claim. So here, let me help you lift up your overweight piece of shit luggage into the overhead bin above my seat as you take up any room I would want for my coat. I really don't mind keeping my coat on my lap as I like to overheat. Oh you see all those people behind me waiting for you to shove your suitcase in that overhead compartment? They aren't trying to sit down either. We all don't have connections to make, so really, take your time.
   
3. Boarding the plane - Why do people feel the need to stand right on top of the airline worker as they are announcing the seats? These people remind me of Phil, my brother-in-law's dog, staring at me as I eat a ham sandwich or something. You see, airlines are a big fan of a little practice called "assigned seating". You may remember it from elementary school, no? Just be patient people. I promise the only way the plane will leave with out you is when I knock you unconscious for pissing me off.


4. My seat - Without fail, I really mean, without fail, I always end up sitting next to the short Asian guy who smells like a mixture of moth balls and tostado chips, and the fat midwestern housewife who falls asleep as soon as she sits down, and then starts drooling on my shoulder. Good thing I am deathly scared of airplane bathrooms, cause I won't be leaving my bitch seat anytime soon. Oh yes, and smelly Asian man? Please keep your feet in your seat territory and not in mine. Remember that coat that was on my lap when we first sat down? Well now it is shoved in a ball underneath the seat in front of me and your stinky shoe is getting it dirty. But no really, I don't care. It's not that nice of a cashmere blend coat. It would look much better with a giant shoe print on it anyways. So please, feel free to keep your knees the standard 3 feet apart.


5. Small children - I'm always surrounded by some kind of family that resembles the Walton's in the shear number of children they have. Oh yes, and they all seem to be under the age of 8. Really, lady, are you reproducing on the plane or something? Why do your kids seem to be coming from all corners of the plane. Are they all trying to cry at the same time? In unison? Oh no, silly me, they aren't screaming my fucking ears off in unison, they seem to be participating in some kind of round. And your kids that aren't screaming? Feel free to have them kick the back of my chair and poke their hand in between the seats at my face. Shove some Tylenol PM in that asshole next time and maybe I won't scowl at you so much.


6. Exiting the plane - Oh I'm sorry smelly Asian man. Did you want to leave the plane? Well, I don't know about you, but I kind of like it here and plan on staying in this tiny seat next to your stinky ass for a really long time. Oh silly me, why don't I just climb over all of those people in front of us so you can exit the plane that much quicker! The fat midwestern lady won't mind. You're so smart smelly Asian man!


7. Baggage claim - The end is near. So how about everyone on the plane all stand within 5 feet of each other watching the carousel. Oh well excuse me for trying to cut ahead of you. You see that green bag over there? Well, that is mine. But don't worry, I'll just wait until your bag comes before I get my bag. Next time maybe you should try and stuff yours in the overhead bin to avoid the problem of your bag not coming out FIRST! I'm in no hurry to get home as I just spent all night last night watching Titanic with my crazy mother before this 7am flight. No hurry at all.

Someone stick a fork in me. I'm done. My holidays have been reduced to a Seinfeld episode....but I guess that's kind of a good thing. Just call me Mulva.

Everyone welcome me to the Mac Nation!

Please say hello to my new computer, being packaged and shipped to me at my Chelsea address hopefully as we speak. "But Megan!" you ask, "does this mean you will be living on ramen noodles for the remainder of your life to finance such a thing of beauty?" To that I say, "NO!" Ramen noodles ARE tasty, especially the oriental flavor, but this baby was financed completely by the parents' X as an early Christmas gift. And it is mine. All mine. See all you bitches back on AIM soon. Viva la "DMBMeg"!

Happy Turkey Day everyone!

Things I am grateful for this Thanksgiving:

1. That the Pilgrims decided to have their big feast during football season. Now I get to watch the Vikings lose and my brother-in-law yell at the Steelers and Bill Cowher with a tummy full of turkey.
2. My right hand (whoever invented masturbation is a genius)
3. Johan Santana, David Wright, Jose Reyes, Joe Mauer, Carlos Beltran, Torii Hunter

4. That my liver hasn't failed from cirrhosis yet.
5. A nice pair of slacks
6. That my other brother-in-law is not cooking this Thanksgiving dinner. His turkey tastes like the bottom of my shoe. And I was totally drunk when I tasted the bottom of my shoe, I swear.
7. Coke Zero
8. one of my sisters
9. Corey Haim
10. Christmas sweaters.

Things I am not grateful for this Thanksgiving:
1. Having Thanksgiving only last one day.
2. Having my mother drag me to the Mall of America on Black Friday where I have to tuck and roll constantly to avoid being in some Japanese tourist's picture. I have to change this now to things I am grateful for since the Mall of America is host to THE WORLD'S LARGEST GINGERBREAD HOUSE!
3. Cranberries. I fucking hate them.
4. My left hand
5. My asshole of a computer
6. my other sister
7. the 1 train. Can someone please explain to me how when I actually have to take the subway, ie the weekends, the 1 train goes express from 34th st. to 14th st and then just stops and goes back uptown?!?!!?!? I want to go to fucking Houston St. dammit!
8. The pigeons who have made my a/c unit home for the winter.
9. Corey Feldman

10. The Minnesota Vikings and the Iowa Hawkeyes

Everyone have fun getting drunk tonight with your high school peeps. I'm heading back to the 'sota today. The good news? I get to have Pizza Hut and/or Leann Chin tonight. The bad news? I have to go through Jersey to get there. Damn you Newark airport (apparently there are already delays). These are the sacrifices we make for good midwestern chain food I guess.

Sex Offenders! Coming soon to a neighborhood near you!

I'm sure most of you are aware the convicted sex offenders need to register there whereabouts once released from prison. What most of you aren't aware of is that there are websites that all over the place that give you pictures AND maps of said sex offenders. My favorite is Family Watchdog. So without further ado, let's meet the convicted sex felons near me. Shall we?



This is Donald Mitchell. He was convicted of rape in the 1st degree of a female and is also the closest to my own address. Try not to force yourself into my vagina anytime soon, ok Donald? Why the fuck is he smiling anyways? Oh I forgot. CAUSE HE JUST GOT SOME. THAT'S WHY!

This is Dwayne Griffin. His crime was sexual abuse of a male in the 1st degree. While I am not too concerned living near Dwayne since I don't seem to be his type, I am more concerned about his that shirt. Did someone arrest him for crimes against fashion too? That shirt is soooooo 1993.



This is Juan Zamabrana. He was convicted of attempted sexual abuse of a female in the 1st degree. Take that Juan! Attempted! You suck at sexual abuse! Wait, I think this guy has bought me a drink before.......

This is Miguel Espino. He was convicted of sexual abuse of a female in the 1st degree. Wow, this seems to be the jaywalking crime of sexual abuses. Everyone does it. Someone should tell Miguel only Derek Jeter and Kid N' Play are allowed to rock "the fade" like that.

Mark Miller was convicted of an Unspecified Felony Sex Offense Committed Out of State against a male under the age of 17. Look, I if anyone understands the fun in the molestation of little boys, but what concerns me more is this guys address. He lives at 561 Hudson St. How the fuck can this guy be convicted of molesting a little boy, and get an apt on Hudson St? Mark, if you read this, tell me who your broker is cause I HAVE to talk to him.




Oh and another thing, if any of you are going to look up who your neighborhood sex offenders are, best wait until your co-workers are not all standing behind you so you have to deal with the "Who is that? Why you looking at pictures of that guy?" questions. Yeah, smooth Megan. Real smooth.

This post is really going to disturb people

I finally caught up on my DV-R watching for the week this weekend. I missed Nip/Tuck last week cause my dad decided to call me at 10pm that night. Really, doesn't he know my tv schedule? Something very strange has been stirring inside of me this season. Something VERY strange. You see, I have become strangely attracted to Conor's nanny. Oh fear not dear reader, I am not batting for the other team. Conor's nanny is in fact, a man. ALL man. So what's so distrubing about that, you ask? Well, he is what us polically correct folk might call "vertically challenged".
Meet Peter Dinklage. You may remember him as Miles Finch, the children's author, in Elf as well. There is something very sexy and soothing about his voice, and the fact that midgets don't seem to be "challenged" in other areas as well does not hurt. So welcome Peter, to my list of men I am strangely attracted to.

Fuck you computer

Does anyone have any idea how many dicks I have to suck to replace this piece of crap thing? There go any plans for the Megan and Megan RV trip across America.......sniff sniff.

Must See TV

It's Thursday. For the majority of my life, the station to watch television on Thursday night has been NBC. The Office has reinvigorated what used to be the powerhouse lineup of great television shows (side note: how funny was the fax from "future Dwight" last week?). The 8:00 show has always been one of the pillars of the night with greats like the Cosby Show and Friends while the 9:00 spot was reserved for Seinfeld and Cheers.

So I'm sitting here, clearly with nothing better to do, trying to figure out what was the greatest Must See TV season of all-time. It's a tossup. While I would suggest that anything with Seinfeld and Friends in it should be the winner, the 80's clearly had the better shows during the 8:30 and 9:30 spots.

2003-2004
8:00 Friends

8:30 Scrubs
9:00Will & Grace
9:30 Coupling
10:00 ER

2002-2003
8:00 Friends
8:30 Scrubs
9:00 Will & Grace
9:30 Good Morning, Miami
10:00 ER

2001-2002
8:00 Friends
8:30 Inside Schwartz
9:00 Will & Grace
9:30 Just Shoot Me
10:00 ER

2000-2001
8:00 Friends
8:30 Cursed
9:00 Will & Grace
9:30 Just Shoot Me
10:00 ER

1999-2000
8:00 Friends
8:30 Jesse
9:00 Frasier
9:30 Stark Raving Mad
10:00 ER

1998-1999
8:00 Friends
8:30 Jesse
9:00 Frasier
9:30 Veronica's Closet
10:00 ER

1997-1998
8:00 Friends
8:30 Union Square
9:00 Seinfeld
9:30 Veronica's Closet
10:00 ER

1996-1997
8:00 Friends
8:30 The Single Guy
9:00 Seinfeld
9:30 Suddenly Susan
10:00 ER

1995-1996
8:00 Friends
8:30 The Single Guy
9:00 Seinfeld
9:30 Caroline In The City
10:00 ER

1994-1995
8:00 Mad About You
8:30 Friends
9:00 Seinfeld
9:30 Madman Of The People
10:00 ER

1993-1994
8:00 Mad About You
8:30 Wings
9:00 Seinfeld
9:30 Frasier
10:00 L.A. Law

1992-1993
8:00 A Different World
8:30 Final Appeal
9:00 Cheers
9:30 Wings
10:00 L.A. Law

1991-1992
8:00 The Cosby Show
8:30 A Different World
9:00 Cheers
9:30 Wings
10:00 L.A. Law

1990-1991
8:00 The Cosby Show
8:30 A Different World
9:00 Cheers
9:30 Grand
10:00 L.A. Law

1989-1990
8:00 The Cosby Show
8:30 A Different World
9:00 Cheers
9:30 Dear John...
10:00 L.A. Law

1988-1989
8:00 The Cosby Show
8:30 A Different World
9:00 Cheers
9:30 Dear John...
10:00 L.A. Law

1987-1988
8:00 The Cosby Show
8:30 A Different World
9:00 Cheers
9:30 Night Court
10:00 Hill Street Blues

1986-1987
8:00 The Cosby Show
8:30 Family Ties
9:00 Cheers
9:30 Night Court
10:00 Hill Street Blues

1985-1986
8:00 The Cosby Show
8:30 Family Ties
9:00 Cheers
9:30 Night Court
10:00 Hill Street Blues

1984-1985
8:00 The Cosby Show
8:30 Family Ties
9:00 Cheers
9:30 Night Court
10:00 Hill Street Blues

This might be completely blashpemous to say, considering I think Seinfeld is the funniest show ever made (and Friends not too far behind it), but I gotta go with the 1991-1992 season. While the years of 1995-1997 most people would argue were the best with Friends, Seinfeld, and Clooney ER, I must disagree only for the sole purpose of their choice of their 9:30 slot. The Single guy I remember not being too funny, but still watchable. Now Caroline in the City and Suddenly Susan? Hey NBC, here's an idea, stop making comedies about single women. Single women are not funny (I know this from experience)--along with Kathy Griffin, Brooke Shields, and Lea Thompson. Now the 1991-1992 season, while not my favorite shows (with the exception of the Cosby Show) provided a solid lineup for my viewing enjoyment, and this is the only season I can say this about. So conclusion? I have way too much time on my hands.

This post might excite the fellas...and maybe a few lesbians?

Gentlemen, please tell me if something similar to this occurs in your locker room. Last night while I was at the gym putting my bag into a locker before my workout, there were two naked ladied chatting away. Chatting away like they were fully clothed. But no. They were naked. Very naked. As naked as two naked ladies chatting could get. Suddenly the topic of their conversation switches to the yoga class they just attended. It went something like this:

Naked Lady 1: That class was bitchin'!

Naked Lady 2: I know! I feel so relaxed!

Naked Lady 1: Yeah, that one move was killer!

Naked Lady 2: I have to try it at home. What did it go like again?

Naked Lady 1: Oh! I'll show you!

So Naked Lady 1 proceeds to contort her body into a pretzel while I'm standing there, mouth agape. OK now I'm not really that shy about my body. I have no problem doing a quick change and flashing the ladies in the locker room some tig ol' bitties when I'm changing shirts, but this lady took it to a whooooollllllle other level. Here I was, in my running shorts, staring at this naked woman's vagina. A very hairy vagina at that. Like 70's porn star hairy. Her dude (or maybe girl) probably needs a machete to get through that shit. I thought most girls in Manhattan got brazillians if not atleast a wax every now and then, right? Perhaps I should be grateful that her va-jay-jay was covered with a mound of Teen Wolf type hair, and I didn't get to see the finished product. Yep, ok I definitely am.

I slam my locker and run out of there, only to be tripped up by a girl standing in just a towel wrapped around her waist putting on her makeup. OK now maybe the ladies can help me out, but I usually put my makeup on after I get dressed. If I don't, I get makeup all over my clothes. So why WHY does this woman feel the need to put on her makeup topless? I admit, she had nice breasts, but so do I, and I don't go flashing that shit around for the world to see (only a few lucky fellas and some friends. OK maybe I do flash my shit around for the world to see). I had vaginas and boobs burned into my brain all through my workout, while watching House and Nip/Tuck, and well look at that! I am still having flashes of vaginas and boobs.

SO my question to the fellas out there, do guys practice the helicoptor in the guys' locker room or something? Or is this just a strict female thing?

Note:so I don't get emails like, "Yo! What gym you do to cause I gots to go there!" I go to the NYHRC on 23rd and 6th. In Chelsea. With lots of gay men. So you may want to re-think changing gyms unless of course you are actually gay.

Laundromat-1, Megan-0

As I was was writing this post, I remembered that he just did a similar post regarding the situation I found myself in last night. Now I have a lot of clothes, and a lot of underwear. So the realization that I had no underwear to put on last night after my shower had me terribly vexed. I had two choices: actually do my laundry which as you can see from the picture below was over a month's worth (I found my marathon clothes halfway down one bag. Yeah, the marathon being Oct 22nd) or I could put on a swimsuit bottom. Don't laugh, I know lots of girls who have actually done this.

Now living in New York City fucking rules. The bars are open until 4am, there are pizza places and diners open all night, you don't have to worry about drinking and driving, there are tons of new restaurants for me to try, you have a dive bar with old sad alcoholics below your apt, a Bed Bath and Beyond an avenue away from your apt (ok so basically it rules to shop, eat, and drink in), and a plethora of sports to watch. There are some times when I hate New York. Like when I have to find a new apartment (brokers are the devil), the men here suck (I'm sorry Murray Hill douchebags in your squared toed Kenneth Cole shoes and leather jackets ripping out your blackberry at 2am), and of course, the laundry situation sucks. Those of us New Yorkers lucky enough to have laundry in your building usually have to resport to doing your laundry at midnight to get an open washing machine and/or dryer. Well, I'm not even that lucky. I have to walk a block with my dirty undies on display for all the world to see to the local laundromat.

Normally I don't have a problem with this, but as I was staring at my laundry last night I realized it was raining. Not raining, fucking POURING. I would consider waiting for the rain to subside, but Heroes was coming on, and I wouldn't miss that shit for the world. So I took my laundry out in the rain. I walk in and am immediately struck by the wave of heat that is radiating out of this place. I don't care if it is -20 below out, I always have to wear shorts and a t-shirt when I go to this place. It's that hot inside. So I throw my stuff in the washing machine (4 loads mind you), and then went to face my nemesis: the change machine. After a few sweet words and gentle loving strokes to the machine, I inserted my money. HOLY CRAP IT TOOK MY MONEY! FIRST TRY! Yeah, I spoke too soon. It spits it back out. Then takes it back in. Then spits it back out. Then takes it back in. I'm sweating. Profusely. I JUST WANT TO WASH MY CLOTHES MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Finally after a good 5 minutes of curse words and sweet nothings, I get my change. I'll fucking insert something different in the machine next time. Each washing load is $2. Yeah, $2!!!!!! What a ripoff. I start my wash and go to leave. Another thing about laundromats is they are a haven for the homeless. Being that is Chelsea, there are a lot of gay homeless that hang out there. There is also internet access at the laundromat. You see where this is going? Yeah, there was a guy with a raging boner staring at gay porn right there in the laundromat. At 8:30pm. On a Monday. In front of everyone. OK dude fine, whatever. Just please don't use my underwear as a nut rag.

I come back 30 minutes later. The homeless dude is gone. He must have finished. Atta boy. I observe the status of the dryers. 2 left. The dryers are big enough where I can combine 2 loads, but then out of the corner of my eye I see him. There is a guy taking his stuff out of the dryer as well. He basically has a sheet. A SHEET! You're going to take up a dryer for a fucking sheet when I have the Mount Everest equivalent of laundry to do? He is eyeing me as well. There is no way I can unload everything that fast and get to the dryer before him. SO I pulled a really jackass move. I took a pair of jeans and a towel and threw them into each dryer. YOU LOSE ASSHOLE. Nobody fucks with the Jesus. So now I dump an extra $2 per dryer and come back 45 minutes later. I go to unload the dryer and one of my thongs lands on some guys foot that is putting his stuff in the dryer next to me. No problem, this is Chelsea. Everyone here is gay. I look up to here him muttering, "yeah that's right baby". No joke. OK so apparently creepy straight men do their laundry in Chelsea too. I finish throwing my stuff in my bags and leave. No folding. I get back to my apt, and throw my stuff down in front of the door and finish watching Heroes. And that's where my laundry remains. Unfolded and wrinkled. Next to my door. I hate doing fucking laundry here.

What's in the box? Tell me what's in the box!

I'm Catholic. Well, more like non-practicing Catholic in that I think all the Catholicism's rules and regulations are bullshit. But I do love the Body of Christ every once in a while. Those little wafers are pretty tasty. I'm digressing here.

This weekend while watching Se7en yesterday, I tried to recall all of the deadly sins that I committed over the weekend. For those of you who are not with the 7 Cardinal Sins, let me explain. They are basically 7 sins that humans commit on a daily basis to prevent transgression into heaven. Now I consider myself a good person. No, really I do. As much as I bitch and moan about everyone else, I generally love humanity. With the exception of people who don't stand to the right of the escalator when they are not walking up. They can go to hell for all I care. And Jews. Yes, the Jews are definitely going to hell. (I'm kidding for all you overly sensitive people out there. Or am I?) Needless to say, I find I commit every one of these sins promising eternal damnation pretty much on a weekly, if not daily, basis. Let's review, shall we?

• Lust-Ah well considering I have turned into a horny bastard since not getting any and think about sex every 2.68483 seconds (I calculated), I can safely say I committed this sin this weekend. Hell, I even had a few sex dreams this weekend. How many people you know can commit a sin in their sleep? That's talent people.


• Gluttony-Yep, I got drunk on Friday and participated in the comsumption of illegal substances on Saturday. I would say both those instances I overindulged. Oh yeah, and the fact that I ate a quesadilla, a quarter jar of peanut butter, Doritos, and chocolate chip cookies when I was high, I would probably consider that gluttonous as well.


• Greed-While the fact I don't consider myself all the greedy, (it's hard to be greedy when you are poor) doesn't negate the fact that I have a closet packed full of clothes I barely wear. Why? Cause I'm a girl, and I needed it. So shutup!


• Sloth-Oh my favorite of the deadly sins, and the one I practice most frequently. I did nothing all weekend. Literally, nothing but watch movies and football. (Iowa Hawkeyes and Minnesota Vikings--you're both on my list) I did manage to go to the gym, so does that count for something God? Does it?


• Wrath-Oh Dominique Douglas is glad he didn't feel my wrath through my tv. Seriously, I know the pass from Drew Tate was a little high, but you're playing for a D1 school. Even I could catch that pass. Pussy.


• Envy-Did I mention that my friends all went to Iowa City this weekend to watch the IOWA/Wisconsin game (more pictures for me to envy are here as well) and ate at Pancheros? Well they did. And I envied them. I envied them hard.


• Pride-Well, usually when I go out, I display a lack of pride by my drunk and belligerent behavior. But then again, I am a narcissist. So that throws that theory out the window.

So what will save me from burning in a fiery pit of hell for all eternity? Most non-Catholics (hell, probably even most Catholics) don't know there are the Seven Virtues to offset the Seven Deadly sins. They are as follows:

• Chastity-hahahahahahaha


• Moderation-I don't do anything in moderation. Ever.


• Generosity-my theory in life is what's mine is mine and what's yours is mine.


• Labor-oh hell no. Hell Hell Helllllll no.


• Meekness-this will get you no where in life. Embrace the wrath!


• Charity-someone needs to give ME charity. I am poor.


• Modesty-dude, I have a blog. You really think I will ever be modest?

Alright, so all of you who make it to hell before me, save me a seat, cool? Preferably one that reclines. I like recliners. Even better if they have Laz-e-boys in hell. SHOTGUN!

Call me any, any time.

I did it. After all of that talk about me switching from Sprint to Verizon, I finally put my money where my mouth is or put my pants on one leg at a time or put it in my pipe and smoked it...er or whatever. I am now a Verizon Wireless customer. Dum dum dum...

Say goodbye to my shitty ass Sanyo phone where the headset is literally ripping off from the rest of the phone.

And say hello to my new sexy phone.

Now having this new phone poses two problems:

1) I have yet to find the 90210 ring tone that my old phone used to play. Although I did find a close substitute as my phone plays "Brass Monkey" whenever someone calls me. And it's really fucking cool.

2) I now inevitably have to break up with Sprint. Right now I have two working phones. I was going to wait until Nov. 12th when my contract expires to get a new phone, but I got so frusterated last night trying to talk to my sister on the phone with a detached headset that I broke down and ran my ass to Best Buy. My contract with Sprint is up in 3 days. Yes, 3 days and they would not let me switch my phone number over. So now I have two phone numbers, but the sales guy said I could switch back to my old one the day my contract expires with no penalty. That was a relief since the dude gave me a 646 number. And everyone knows all the cool people have a 917 number. But let me get back with the fact that while I was on the phone with the Spring representative asking to switch my phone number over 3 days early, that it eerily reminded me of a breakup.

Megan: OK I think it's time we ended our relationship. It was good while it lasted, but you just aren't going it for me anymore.

Sprint PCS rep: What can I do to get you to stay? You're the best customer we've ever had. Doesn't our 5 years together mean anything to you?

Megan: Of course it does, but people and wireless services grow apart. I know longer need you for excellent Interstate reception. I was in college when we first met. Right now I need a service more friendly to where I am at in my life.

Sprint PCS rep: What does Verizon have that I don't have?

Megan: Well, first of all, all of my friends have Verizon. Have you ever heard of a little thing called "in-network"? I also get a discount to Verizon through work. Plus your reception sucks my ass in this city!

Sprint PCS rep: That was way harsh, Megan. Please stay. I'll offer you whatever Verizon is offering, but an extra 5% discount. I'm desparate to keep you!

Megan: Begging is so unattractive. Nothing you can say will change the way I feel. I'm so sorry to hurt you, but I am moving on.

Sprint PCS rep: (sob, sob, sniff, sob) I'll never forget you.

Megan: lata!

So wish me luck Nov 13th. This could be the hardest thing I have ever done.

No Ed Bradley, NO!

You're leaving me all alone with Lesley Stahl, Morley Safer and even worse, Katie Couric and Anderson Cooper. You can't do that!!!! I knew my high of Britney dumping KFed couldn't last for long. Please God, keep Andy Rooney around forever.

HOLY #$%?@#$?@!#4@#?

I am really bored at work and was cruising through a lot of links of blogs I read, stumbled across this blog, and read today's post. OK look carefully at the 4th picture down. You recognize that sign and the girl holding the sign? Perhaps it was the sign made for me by Megan for my own marathon. Jesus fucking Christ. Granted, I didn't flip over the sign to show the "Run Run X" part, but I figured I could get some extra mileage out of the sign since I couldn't bare to throw it out. If I knew someone was taking pictures of me I would have posed. Thanks dude.

The generic 100 things about me post

Everyone who has a blog does this, right? ok well here goes.

1. My middle name is Louise. My dad calls me Meggie Lou Lou, and I love it.
2. My favorite food is french fries.
3. I have really fat feet. So fat that I have problems finding shoes that don't give me killer blisters. My nickname in high school was "Pillow Feet"
4. I have two sisters, and I prefer one or over the other.
5. My favorite movie of all time is Lord of the Rings: the Two Towers (I saw it 3 times in the theater) followed closely by the Empire Strikes back. I have a thing for the second movie in a trilogy.
6. When the 6th Harry Potter book came out, I literally ran to the bookstore at midnight and knocked a small child over. Yep, I really am a nerd. Dungeons and Dragons anyone?
7. I'm a pacifist. I think war is never the answer.
8. I used to think I had been in love twice, now I know it's only been once. The first was more of an obsession.
9. My favorite show on tv now is Lost, followed closely now by Heroes, then Housen and then the Office. It used to be Arrested Development, but I still believe the greatest show ever made was Seinfeld.
10. I have freakishly small hands and wrists, but my ankles leave something to be desired. See #3. I tried to learn how to play guitar, but my fingers couldn't reach all the chords.
11. The song "Philadelphia" by Neil Young makes me cry every time I hear it. No joke.
12. I have no idea how to fix my hair any other ways but curly or straight.
13. Although I grew up in Minnesota, my family lived all over including Italy when my dad was in the navy. I've only lived 5 places my entire life: Jacksonville, FL., Oakton, VA. (suburb of DC), Edina, MN (suburb of Minneapolis), Iowa City, IA. (go hawks!), and New York, NY.
14. I love to sing, but I've never sang in my real voice in front of anyone. It really isn't that bad. Really!
15. I taught myself how to play piano.
16. I get claustrophobic really easily. My ultimate nightmare is to be buried alive.
17. My favorite song to run to is "Renegade" by Styx.
18. I think JFK was a horrible president. The greatest president of all time was Teddy Roosevelt. "Speak softly and carry a big stick. You will go far." Damn Teddy. Damn!
19. I'm messy, but clean. And dirty, in the good way.
20. I hate when women go to Yankee games and wear the pink Yankee hat. Pink is not a color of the Yankees! I don't understand.
21. The last book I read was Guns, Germs, and Steel by Jared Diamond. I found it fascinating.
22. I am now reading Stranger than Fiction by Chuck Palahniuck. It's fucking weird.
23. I get along with my dad extremely well, but not at all with my mom.
24. I'm scared shitless I'm going to get breast cancer or ovarian cancer at an early age because of my mom and aunt.
25. I'm scared of dying.
26. I'm a liberal.
27. I fear people who are fanatically religious. Usually they have the least amount of understanding that goes on the world.
28. I believe in Global warming. I think humans will abuse this earth til it destroys us. Not everyone needs an SUV people. Think beyond yourself for once.
29. I think Rosie O'Donnell's character, Gina, in Beautiful Girs has the best monologue in cinema history. Click here if you don't know what I am referring to. It perfectly sums up every girl's frusteration with men.
30. I believe in the afterlife.
31. I want to get a pug one day and name him "Meat" after Tim Robbins character in Bull Durham.
32. I prefer tequila over vodka, wine over tequila, red wine over white, beer over red wine, dark beer over light.
33. I really miss my ex-boyfriend.
34. I don't really miss my ex-boyfriend.
35. The smartest person I have ever met is my dad, followed closely by said ex-boyfriend.
36. I am the worst test taker ever. I rush through things too much.
37. I don't think I'm that funny. I rip off other people's senses of humor.
38. I'm a math genius. Calculus was by far my favorite subject in high school.
39. I'm a horrible writer.
40. I can spot grammatical errors in the NY Times.
41. I'm not creative at all, except when it comes to Halloween costumes and random humor.
42. Only 3 people have ever beaten me at Trivial Pursuit. See #35. The third guy was a guy I went on a date with in September. I really liked him. (Yes we played Trivial Pursuit on our date. Shutup!)
43. The best 4 years of my life were college. People always say that, but I really mean it. I'm sad I'll never get to re-live that.
44. I've never done a drug besides marijuana.
45. My favorite band as a kid was Duran Duran.
46. My two favorite songs were "Oh Sherrie" by Steve Perry and "Sister Christian" by Night Ranger. I was 4.
47. I don't know anyone who has more knowledge of random song lyrics than me, except maybe her.
48. I have had a lot of people tell me that I have the coolest eyes they have ever seen, yet most people don't make eye contact long enough with me to notice.
49. I think the sexiest song ever made is "I'm on Fire" by Bruce Springsteen.
50. I think astrology is bullshit, and I can prove it.
51. Daniel Day-Lewis is my favorite actor.
52. I have show no favoritism for actresses with the exception of Rachel McAdams. I have such a girl crush on her.
53. I don't trust girls who say "I don't have any girl friends. I prefer hanging out with guys."
54. I think "outdoorsy" guys are the sexiest of all. Anyone who would take me camping and hiking I would fall in love with.
55. I dig guys with scruff.
56. I dig guys with hair longer hair--like when it curls out from underneath a hat.
57. I can throw a spiral.
58. I'm constantly worried I talk about myself too much..............whatever, you guys are reading this! You LIKE hearing me talk about myself.
59. One of my pet peeves is when people don't call me back. It's not that hard.
60. You can do pretty much anything to me if you're honest. I can't stand people who lie. It shows insecurity.
61. I've been listening to "Don't Think Twice" by Bob Dylan for a solid two months now.
62. I don't trust guys who don't like sports.
63. I find most girls don't have a clue about sports we don't play, including myself.
64. Another one of my pet peeves is when people list their random daily activities on their AIM away message like "eating dinner, then the gym, then masturbation, then brushing my hair, then dance naked." WTF???? Are you away or not?
65. The first time I went water skiing, I got up on the first try.
66. I used to be really good at tennis, until my dad lost his job and I had to quit. I still regret that.
67. I'm a fairly good skiier, but haven't done it in years. I miss it.
68. I hate being on top.
69. I watch a lot of porn.
70. I learned how to give blowjobs from watching porn.
71. I dig sex in public places, but surprisingly haven't done it that much.
72. I originally went to school for microbiology, but switched after Organic Chemistry. I hated it.
73. I think the sexiest parts of a guy is his arms and his brain.
74. I think evolution can explain every part of human behavior. Hey, I was a physical anthropolgy major.
75. My favorite tv shows as a kid were Macgyver and Quantum Leap.
76. I know every word to "Rapper's Delight" by the Sugar Hill Gang
77. I'm very critical of complete strangers, it helps me deal with my own insecurities (wow, that was brutally honest.) .
78. I am really starting to hate Sex and the City. If I had a friend like Carrie, I think I would shoot her.
79. I've had sex with 6 people.
80. I don't want to get married anytime soon. I don't want to end up divorced.
81. 3 years ago I wanted to get married, and I thought I knew exactly who it would be to.
82. I am scared of flying since 9/11.
83. I used to smoke a lot when I drink, now I can't stand it. I've smoked a couple of times when I've been off my rocker hammered, and it usually ends up as a killer hangover.
84. I'm starting to feel how self absorbed writing something like this is. Does anyone really care? 85. I'm a terrible cook, but love to watch cooking shows.
86. I used to be really picky about what I ate. Now I will eat pretty much anything.
87. Anything does not include eggs, scallops, tomatoes, ginger, fruit and chocolate, coffee, yellow cheese, lobster, any kind of meat on the bone (shutup pervert!)
88. I bite my fingernails.
89. I think the "we need more cowbell skit" is one of the greatest in SNL history.
90. My favorite restaurant in the city is Blue Ribbon.
91. I'm still obsessed with chain restaurants. You can take a girl out of the midwest....
92. All of my friends in college were in long-term relationships. Every single one of us broke up with that significant other. I'm convinced relationships started when in college will never work.
93. I've never met a cooler group of girls than my close friends. I'm lucky to have them. There are a lot of annoying girls out there.
94. I think Wes Anderson is a genius.
95. I have never seen Caddyshack.
96. The movie I have laughed the hardest at was Money Pit. It's not one of my favorite movies though.
97. the movie Miracle makes me cry every time.
98. My favorite song to sing karaoke is "Sister Golden Hair" by America. If I hear someone else sing "Sweet Caroline" by Neil Diamond, I think I will scream. Be original people.
99. The first concert I went to was Neil Diamond when I was 8. I would go again in a heart beat.
100. The song on my Myspace will always reflect my mood. Right now it's Ray LaMontagne. Tomorrow it could be New Edition.
101. I can count past 100!

Welcome to the Bank of Megan

Every morning after I go out, I go through the ritual of opening up my wallet to see what the damage is. Sometimes I am pleasantly surprised, but more often than not I cringe at what I see--an empty wallet. Next I go through everything I had worn the night before. Maybe I'll find a dollar bill shoved into my back jeans pocket. Maybe I'll find a $5 bill just hanging out in my purse. But again, more often than not I find nothing--as was the case Saturday morning. I went out with $70, yes $70. Granted I was pretty hammered, but not $70 worth. Sigh.

This has been the case since I started drinking in bars, so let's say the age of 18. Maybe it's from some subconscious streak that I want everyone and their mother to like me, but I start buying everyone around me drinks. Doesn't matter who you are--Ryan Phillipe look alike? Have a shot with me! My treat! Steve Buscemi look alike? Let's slam a beer together! My treat! Crazy old man with a glass eye hanging out on the corner bar stool at the dive bar below my apt? Cheers! My treat! I once bought about 7 English guys car bombs (now that's ironic). Grand total? $95 with tip. I don't even remember anyone's name or what they looked like except they had hair that strangely resembled some kind of "Flock of Seagulls" haircut for the 00's--you know, with lots of gel, highlights, spikes, and general overall douchebaggy look to it.

I know some guys like when girl's buy them drinks, so every now and then I don't mind. I like to think of every drink I buy, I get 2 in return. This is far from the case though. So please friends, please. Next time I take out my wallet and suggest we all do 5 shots each of Soco and Lime, take my wallet and run.

Hi Lance!

Yep, I saw him. I promise this will be my last post regarding any marathon of any sort (well, except those that involve excessive amount of sloth, like drinking, eating or sleeping), but I saw him!!!! Meghan had to remind me that I have been actually closer to him. We were walking around Soho one day and I saw him and Sheryl Crow walking around with their parents. We went into stalker mode and actually ended up splitting the group up. Like if paparrazzi would have come at that point, we would have been totally part of the crew. The title would read "LANCE AND SHERYL MEET PARENTS AND HANG OUT WITH TWO STRIKINGLY BEAUTIFUL GIRLS!"

OK, I know, this post sucks.

It's marathong weekend...again!

Two of my very bestest friends are running in the NYC marathon this weekend. I'm actually kind of jealous. There is something about running in a marathon that is like gaining entrance to a secret club. I loved running in Chicago, but New York is my bitch. I never thought I would ever say this, but I plan on running my second marathon in NYC. Yes, SECOND marathon. So good luck Monica and Ria! I'll be three sheets to the wind when you're on mile 23!

Whose team would you bat for?

Stewart?

or Colbert?

I'm totally on Team Colbert. Click here for the Rolling Stone article. I would totally hang out with these guys.