Ready, Set, Date!

Meet Megan, the Chicago chapter of my club of hetero life-partners and also author of the great blog the Gospel According to Gates. Megan told me some shocking news yesterday. She is going to try speed dating. Megan's story is very similar to mine. After breaking up with her boyfriend of 6.5 years a couple years ago, she has been on dates with a string of douchebags across the Chicagoland area. She is even dating one now whose bipolarity seems to be teetering on the "insane" side this week. The fact that both of us still remain single is God telling us we really belong together. But I digress.

Clearly I think she is too good to be scraping the bottom of the barrel of speed dating, so I created a list of things for her to do that would spice up the night a little bit, so to speak.

1. twitch uncontrollably a la Tourettes Syndrome.
2. flip through a Bridal Magazine making sure to mark every page with a Post-it.
3. Answer your cell phone. Scream at caller, “BUY LOW! SELL HIGH!”
4. Stare at the guy’s ear the whole time to simulate a lazy eye. Talk like a pirate. Argggggh matey!
5. Wet your breasts in the area surrounding your aeriola so it looks like you are currently breast feeding and it’s time to pump.
6. Respond to every question he asks you with charades/and or Pig-Latin.
7. Apply lipstick, but not in a seductive manner. Apply so none of it touches your lips but rather your whole entire face.
8. Talk about your new favorite sport, freestyle walking. Show him your new sick moves you learned the other day by jumping off the table.
9. Throw his drink in his face the moment he sits down and scream, “HOW DARE YOU! PERVERT!”
10. Bring a pillow with you. Take out, rest on table, and take a nap. Don’t forget to suck your thumb.
11. Cry. When he asks what is wrong, slap him.
12. Gush about how much you love the movie From Justin To Kelly, and how Clay Aiken is soooo sexy!
    
13. In the middle of the conversation, turn to the girl sitting next to her and scream, “Stop talking to my man, cunt!”
14. Only ask questions regarding how much money he makes. When he starts asking you about other stuff, ask to see his wallet and count how much money is inside. Then openly pocket the cash.
15. Bring a vibrator with you. Turn it on mid-conversation and say, “yeah, I thought I would need this tonight.” Then ask him to hold it while you reach for some KY jelly.
16. Dress up in “Where’s Waldo” gear. Then start running around the bar shouting ,“See if you can find me!”
17. Fill your bra with chicken cutlets. Drop something on the floor. When you go to pick it up, have a chicken cutlet falls out. Shrug, pick up fallen chicken cutlet with a fork, throw it on the table and start eating it. Bonus points if it is marinated.
18. Bring a sketchpad with you. Begin furiously sketching when he begins talking. Position your hands in such a manor that you are looking at him through a camera. Hug the picture when you are done.
19. Cut a piece of his hair. Then gush, “Now I’ll always have a piece of you to remember you by!”
20. Make him a mixed tape. Not burn a cd, but an actual mixed tape of only Rick Astley/Richard Marx songs. Tell him the words remind you of him.
21. Eat oreos before you sit down and make sure huge chunks are in your teeth. Also make sure you smile a lot. When he tells you something is in your teeth, lightly pick at them as to not remove any of the excess Oreo from your teeth. Smile more.
22. Bring a dead hamster with you. Refer to him as Steve, the best lover you ever had. Then attempt to cremate him at the table by rubbing two stick together. Flip the table over when no sparks appear (from the sticks as well as romantics sparks. Oh zing!).
23. Do an interpretive dance of what you think your life will be like together. Bonus points if it resembles some form of capoiera.
    
24. When he sits down, take your socks and shoes off and begin to bite your toenails. Proceed to then spit out the big ones at him. Aim for his drink.
25. Say you don't drink.

I think these are all good solid foundations for her to begin her life with her new speed dating boyfriend. What do you think?

UPDATE: You can go here to see her actual recap of the night. I'm kind of disappointed she didn't try any of my suggestions. Boooorrrr-ingggg!