You have all seen the above pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Vanessa Minnillo (Envelope) attempting to be seductive while holding the biggest fucking knives you have ever seen, right? I don't know about all of you, but nothing says sexy like being stabbed. Not like the sexual stabbing involving a penis, but real stabbing. With a knife. Maybe some other objects too. Like a pitch fork. Or a bayonet.
While I did not have access to a pitch fork or a bayonet during Awesomefest 7000, my friends and I did have access to a set of kitchen knives. The below pictures were our attempt to outdo Miss Lohan and Miss Minnillo turning up the sexy. Clearly we are the obvious victors.Oh man, I'm getting hot already!Kate attempting to saw off her breast with a bread knife. That's the hotness.Who is filming the snuff film?Is it just me, or does Megan resemble a swashbuckling pirate in this picture. Yarrrr!While Megan seems to have the Sexy Knife Pose down, this was the only picture I had of me not laughing. Clearly, this is the only reason I am not made out for a career in modeling. Clearly. Sexy is having your drunk friend get dangerously close to your nipple while trying to pose for a Sexy Knife Pose. Yeah, that's right. Who is your daddy now? At one point during our Sexy Knife Posing, we realized the knife sharpener was way more sexy than the actual knives. Nothing says sexy like a knife sharpener in the two-hole! Leave it to the actual model to make Sexy Knife Posing actually look normal This one says, "What, I get stabbed all the time. Ain't no thang!" Dianka attempted to PG-13 Sexy Knife Posing down with a little plastic knife action as Megan does the obligatory "thumbs up" in the background. A little something for the kiddies. You know. "To infinity, and beyond!" You know what else is sexy? Ruffles. No knives necessary.
Oh my god. I'm so going to end up on Dateline NBC for this, aren't I?
30-something. Never funny. Occasionally offensive. Huge fan of violence on reality shows. Once ate a house plant cause her sister told her it tasted like chocolate milk. That’s about all you need to know. And no, I don't think I look like Tom Cruise.