Some of you are aware that last Friday was my first day of work. Actually scratch that. It was my first day of "work". (It was an employee appreciation day)
When I arrived on Thursday to fill out first day paperwork, etc., I was introduced to the rest of my team. My boss would say, "Hi [so and so], this is Megan. Tomorrow is her first day." All would then recoil from my hand, and give me a sympathetic look. "Good luck," they all whispered with a reassuring pat on the back.
It got me scared. Like, really scared.
I think you guys know I like the drink. However, getting shittanked and puking on a co-worker is not the first impression I would like to make. I was conflicted. I knew I would be pressured to drink on my first day, but I didn't want to have the first impression of me being passed out in the gutter. I mean, I heard these people had their party pants ready to go at all hours of the day, just in case. I don't want to disappoint.
So the morning we do our "team building" activities which turns out were really fun. The day started out with a ride on the Hudson. While I was fully expecting the motor to run over no less than 3 dead bodies, none were hit and I was treated to a very close shot of Lady Liberty herself and a shot underneath the Brooklyn Bridge.
Next was bowling. I almost lost it when I bowled a turkey, and proceeded to turn around to my whole team and yell "suck it!" Triple H style. Hand motions included. Note to self: probably not best to taunt my co-workers quite just yet.
Eventually we all finished our activities which also including nailing golf balls down the Chelsea Piers driving range. I push out my chest for the hot Australian instructor. Doesn't notice. Too busy laughing at everyone's poor golf game. He is probably gay. We all boarded a Water Taxi heading to an undisclosed location. Jack and Cokes were immediately ordered. Beers were thrust in my face.
"We're shotgunning. Go."
There I was, shotgunning beers on the Hudson with people I just met that morning. It's 12:30 pm, and I haven't eaten lunch yet. After 3 beers, I start calling people that this is the greatest first day of work ever. On the boat I'm telling my co-workers that this is the greatest day of my life, and I'm starting to think it actually is. They look at their watches, "Well, that lasted until 1:20. We were betting it was going to be 1pm."
We get to our final destination. More beers. 40 oz. bottle of Old English are being shaken and sprayed. Champagne is being poured directly into people's mouths. Open bar. Oh shit oh shit oh shit. I'm drunk. Not good.
We're ushered into another area to sit down. Suddenly I'm watching glittered nipples, and women on trapeze erotically dangling and swinging. Once the show is over, I mutter, "I think I'm a lesbian now," and the guy next to me spits out his champagne on the guy sitting in front of us.
I'm making a great first impression.
Then we move on to the bar. More free drinks. I get into it with the guy, who is wrongly dressed as a hipster, about the SEC vs. Big 10. Sound familiar? One thing about me you should know, is I lose my memory when I am drunk. I can't recall anything. Finally, after 7 hours of drinking, and about 30 minutes of yelling at a guy I just met about the relevance of Auburn to the SEC, I blank. The liquor finally won. I'm not sure if I can remember my own name.
I look him straight in the eye and say, "You know, if you weren't my co-worker, I'd totally make out with you. Now I must pee."
He smiles, "We need to go back to that." I think he means the kissing, not the urinating.
I go to the bathroom, and suddenly Journey's Faithfully comes on. I run out and grab the boss man and insist on slow dancing with him. My head is leaning on his shoulder, we're swaying back and forth. He might be holding me up, and he is muttering how much he hates Journey. Normally that statement would warrant a swift kick in the ass, I don't care at this point. Belligerence is fast approaching.
I made an important decision to leave early. I don't think the first day is the appropriate time for the full onslaught of the dmbmeg to be unleashed yet. Maybe the 2nd day. I'll keep you guys posted.
But now, I can assuredly say that my life does not suck.
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