We decided to head to our favorite local bar close to our respective apartments. And by "favorite local bar," I mean the only bar not playing Madonna on repeat and serves something other than flavored vodka martinis.
On our drunk walk through the West Village back to Chelsea, we pass a local porn shop. It's got your standard leather jock straps, boobie tassels, double sided dildos, crotchless panties, and videos. Lots and lots of videos. The good thing about this porn shop is there isn't a "viewing area" where old men emerge from back curtains with their feet slightly sticking to the floor.
I'm not sure who brought it up, but suddenly I'm telling her that I don't own a vibrator. She tells me that she doesn't have one either. Perfect. I'm drunk and with my straight best friend. Always the perfect time to buy sex toys.
Now let me tell you a little bit about Han. Han is great. She is fabulous. I can call Han up at any time of day, wave a drink in front of her, and she is always ready to go. Before I went on my self imposed penis break, she was making out as much as me, if not more. Let's just say she is my drunk, cock teasing soul mate (Gates, don't kid yourself. You totally put out). However, when it comes to speaking about actual real live sex, she is a little timid. I'm not going to go into her personal history by any means, but lets just say she is a little less vocal about her sexual practices than me. Yes, I do realize that like saying I've had less dicks inside me than Paris Hilton, but you get where I am going here.
So I suggest we go in. I'm excited. I've been wanting a toy for a while, especially on my penis sabbatical, but I just never really got around to walking in a porn shop on a sunny Sunday afternoon. She hesitates, but concludes that if our mutual friend suggested she get one, it must be ok. She she goes in.
Immediately I go for the 20 inch dildos with an anal prong. I hold it up triumphantly, "Hanny! Do you see this? How can anyone possibly...?" (shut it TK) She laughs, but I get a look from the sales clerk that that behavior is not appropriate. Defeated, I move on from the crazy shit back to my overwhelmed friend in the vibrator section. I have no idea what to buy, and if I don't know what to buy, there is no way in hell she knows what to buy.
Another sales associate comes by and asks if we need help. Despite how open I am about jokingly talking about sex, when a creepy 40 year old man comes up to help me pick out a vibrator, I shy up. Sue me. Suddenly, my friend takes over. "WE'RELOOKINGFORVIBRATORSANDWEDON'TKNOWWHATTOBUY."
Whoa, where'd that come from Hanny?
The clerk politely smiles, and brings us over to a rack filled with multi-colored Pocket Rockets. He tells us it is the most popular brand of vibrator. I guess it's like the Camry of vibrators. Not exactly battery friendly, but it will consistently get the job done without the unnecessary bells and whistles. Sold.
So now the real decision has to be made: what color do we buy?
It comes in green, blue, pink, and orange. Immediately I dismiss blue and pink. They are too gender specific. If I wanted my vibrator to be manly, I'd get a real live penis. Pink is too...cliche. Orange isn't exactly my favorite color, so I went with green. Nice and neutral. It's the color you buy an expecting mother when you don't know the sex of the baby. How appropriate!
Han went with blue, and I'm not really sure why. But the best part of the night came when she went to pay and was too nervous to pay with her credit card (you better believe I charged that shit UP), so she paid with cash. She looked at the receipt and giggled that it said "Vibe Toy." That's my girl.
Han displaying our new purchases for the camera.And how does this story end for me, your heroine? Oh my friend, that is private. What I will say though is my new friend gets top billing now on my night stand behind the alarm clock (I do need to get up for work you know), and ironically, in front of the tissues.
[cue buzzing sound]
I gotta go.
74 comments:
Wait, you read Noam Chomsky? What the fuck is going on here?
I ain't just a pretty face, crimenotes.
Oh, and I like how in this whole post, THAT was what you called out.
I mean, it was the only surprising thing in that post.
For a half-second I thought it was a well thought out, planned, Dadaist kind of punchline: Look ma, vibrator next to my Chomsky! Then I realized that, like all of your best work (roll of boots, pussy bars) it was unintentionally hilarious.
It's funny.
Last summer I swore to myself that at some point in the next year I would be up past midnight with ESPN humming in the background reading a blog about a girl buying her first buzz toy.
So, thanks.
These blogs are worse than heroin.
vibrator next to my Chomsky!
that's what she said.
I didn't pay any attention to the book, so you are correct, completely unintentional.
I mean come on, do I do anything well thought out and planned?
yes, ill have another-
and THAT....THAT right there is the reason I started a blog.
Coming soon: Cixous juxtaposed with anal beads.
I was thinking more David Hume and nipple clamps.
I don't own anal beads, silly.
Hume is so obvious.
hmmm....what goes with nipple clamps then? Johannes Kepler?
I'm a little surprised by your choice. That one looks like a kids' flashlight.
I'd expect you to pick something with a little more of a... presence.
And maybe a skull and cross bones painted on the side.
Do I have to spell it out for you? Unlike a penis, size doesn't matter in terms of vibrators.
Anything bigger is just excess.
I am also eco-friendly. This puppy only requires one battery to function.
Dig the attitude on you.
I didn't mention size.
The thing is see-through green. I would have expected flames painted on it. Or a Hawkeyes logo.
priceless.
claps hand over mouth, turns red from giggling.
I'm so glad you're conscious of the environment when you choose a sex toy. I was worried you'd choose something diesel powered that needed a rip cord to start it. Maybe something you hook up to a lawnmower engine.
Or a Hawkeyes logo.
I think that is the greatest idea I have ever heard. I'm calling up Iowa Book and Supply as we speak and requesting Hawkeye logo'd vibrators.
country roads-
actually it was reasonably priced at $29.99. I think that is a steal considering I pay my male whores about 10 times as much.
tk-
I'm so environmentally conscious I actually looked for a solar powered vibrator. Then I realized I would have to be in broad daylight to use it, so I thought against it.
Dude! I was in a porn shop on Saturday too! Thus proving our soulmate status even further.
Gotta love Lover's Lane--it's a Chicago institution.
I was buying stuff for the adult pinata we had at my friend's housewarming. Condoms are not cheap. Maybe that's why I stock up at the Gay Pride Parade every year.
FYI, just say no to vanilla flavored condoms.
Hi Han!
So... masturbating in broad daylight. That's where you draw the line?
Good to know.
Hellafied-
you could try just not having sex like me to save some $. $29.99 is all you need to invest for many nights of having sex with yourself. Does it get better than that?
tk-
Never say never, I suppose.
the camry of vibrators... heh.
i'm so glad someone else gets off to noam. i thought it was only me.
i'm so glad someone else gets off to noam. i thought it was only me.
You should see me when I read the works of Stephen J. Gould.
I've been known to orgasm instantaneously to Anarchism by Emma Goldman. It's a problem, really.
I want to make a vibrator called The Clam Shake.
(And Chomsky is what people read so other people think they're smart.)
Vibrators and Chomsky are like Peanut butter and jelly. Okay, not really, but very funny dichotomy.
PS: that book scared the shit out of me.
BoL-
thanks for allowing me to spit up Diet Coke over all the reports on my desk.
mortarbored-
I wasn't trying to sound smart. I just took the picture. What can I say? I agree with his views on American foreign policy. However, since you're giong to be a jackass, I'll make sure my Nora Roberts collections is featured on my nightstand, k?
sally tomato-
I'm starting the trend right now. Watch, the entire blogosphere will soon enough be filled with stories of clitoral vibrations and anarchism.
Aww, I didn't mean to be mean, just my normal asshole self. Now I've detracted attention from my brilliant Clam Shake idea.
But hey, wouldn't Nora Roberts make a better compliment to your little friend anyway?
Who is Noam Chomsky? Does she write erotica? Is she a little like Anne Rice. I like Anne Rice.
Oh, and it is funny how TK got a link in this post. This means that when you write about pleasuring yourself you are thinking about TK. Does this mean when you actually touch yourself "down there" that you think of TK? Awesome.
Jesus, Garrett. That's private and I think you should mind your own business.
As for Mortarbored and the Clam Shake... I guess it's better than the Bloody Mary.
soon enough be filled with stories of clitoral vibrations and anarchism... And then, the internet will have achieved perfection.
Crimenotes is always surprised when he underestimates people and their reading choices. Which is always.
He thinks everyone but him reads nothing but Clive Cussler and Danielle Steele.
I remember when he overheard me discussing how much I'd liked Meghan Daum and how it made me want to read Joan Didion and he was like "Whoa whoa whoa: You can read?"
Hey look, dmbmeg is responding to comments using TK's blogger account. Apparently they're swapping more than fluids...
mortarbored, shouldn't you be dancing to the Village People with your "roommate"?
Crimenotes is always surprised when he underestimates people and their reading choices. Which is always.
Just you and dmbmeg. If you're both extra-good, I'll make a Noam Chomsky coloring book that you two can bring to reading group.
He thinks everyone but him reads nothing but Clive Cussler and Danielle Steele.
Ibid. Do you want your coloring book or not?
I remember when he overheard me discussing how much I'd liked Meghan Daum and how it made me want to read Joan Didion and he was like "Whoa whoa whoa: You can read?"
Hey, fucker, I picked up a collection of Meghan Daum essays based on your recommendation. Did I tell you that? No. Why? I didn't want you to invite me to your book club to lecture on it. Stop feeling persecuted because I noted that dmbmeg posts photos of her vibrator next to her Chomsky. It wasn't even about you -- though given the subject matter of this post, I can understand why you're confused.
mortarbored-
No, I don't think Nora could ever give me a female chub like Noam.
garrett-
maybe you actually read the comments of your blog, you would know I was referencing something he said to me there. But the Vampire Lestat scares me. All those ruffled shirts and blood [shiver].
tk-
now it's garrett's turn to get jealous. We have this weird sick blog 3-way going on, don't we? But then there is L&F, and Mindy, and Blythe...this is all so incestuous.
flop-
This is why he can't quit blogging. His contempt for the rest of the world is now directed at us.
mortarbored-
No, unfortunately, I'm not as clever to leave a comment like that.
(aw, tk, I said something nice about you!)
tk-
Did I miss something here?
This is why he can't quit blogging. His contempt for the rest of the world is now directed at us.
Yeah, but in a nice way.
What's it like living in a world where book clubs invite you to enlighten them with your knowledge?
Also, what's it like living in a world in which I am in a book club?
crimenotes-
Just you and dmbmeg. If you're both extra-good, I'll make a Noam Chomsky coloring book that you two can bring to reading group.
oooo! Will it be linguistic or political centric? I'm excited already!
Ibid.
You say this a lot, and I have visions of crimenotes standing before a judge a la Will Hunting declaring, "Ibid, Your Honor!"
Hey, fucker, I picked up a collection of Meghan Daum essays based on your recommendation. Did I tell you that? No. Why? I didn't want you to invite me to your book club to lecture on it. Stop feeling persecuted because I noted that dmbmeg posts photos of her vibrator next to her Chomsky. It wasn't even about you -- though given the subject matter of this post, I can understand why you're confused
Don't bring my vibrator or my Chomsky into your lovers' quarrel here.
crimenotes-
It's ok I can take it. It's fun when you get all stabby.
flop-
I'm in a book club too! High five! Except we read shit in mine like Shopaholic and Clifford the Big Red Dog. Yours sounds more enlightening.
Does that universal remote control include a vibrator? What will they think of next?
It should. We've read Who Moved My Cheese? and Atlas Shrugged already!
Did you know there are vibrators (BOB's) that have to be PLUGGED IN?
Fuck me!
No really, fuck me.
I find it interesting that some elements of the commentariat are so uncomfortable with the thought of a woman successfully replacing a man with a tiny little blade-less fan that they talk about Chomsky. If you hadn't had a Chomsky book there, he would have talked about your impressive selection of Kleenex.
Don't fear the cunt, boys. Embrace it.
Although I've listened to a few of his speeches, I don't read Chomsky so I must be really stupid.
I do, however, read Stephen Jay Gould (r.i.p.) and I believe his last work - a real block of concrete - has a section in which he discusses the evolution of women (and some men) using vibrators. page 712, or so, I believe. There's nothing there about the paradox of privacy and using dayglo green as the color of choice.
meow.
I find it interesting that some elements of the commentariat are so lame that they're reading meta-feminist messages into goofy banter about books and vibrators. Save it for your women's studies seminar, tard.
[Sorry, dmbmeg, for fighting with your commenter.]
tk-
Did I miss something here?
See my last post for the explanation.
Aren't Green M&M's supposed to mean that you need more sex? Does that work for sex toys too?
Also, I can make $300 as a male whore? Is there an application process?
Todd-
Step 1: Go to the park.
Step 2: Give out 60 handjobs to elderly men.
Step 3: Profit!!!
I'm not even sure to address here. Anonymous is confusing me.
How many people do you think actually keep those in the're pockets....
Vanessa - www.aroomofownsown.typepad.com
Dear TK,
Fuck you.
Sincerely,
Mortar
Easy dude. TK's my dawg, yo.
Actually no.
FIGHT BITCHES, FIGHT!
Settle down, Mortar. Just a little joke. Try to keep your homophobia on a leash.
did someone say women's studies? i went to smith, yo! let's fight! after i'm done with noam, i break open betty friedan, stare at a georgia o'keefe and think about gloria steinem.'s stepson. christian bale.
Good call on the Pocket rocket. I've had 4 myself (over a period of 7 years) and I love it.
Did the sarcasm not come through in that? Damn.
Yeah, I know. Plus that's just the tip of the iceberg, did you read my story about the time I got my dick grabbed in a bar?
did you read my story about the time I got my dick grabbed in a bar?
My head just exploded from joke overload.
blythe-
(lesbian)
sarahleigh-
whoa...I hope to use mine as much as you apparently used yours. (Or four)
mortarbored-
no, did you read my story about how I grabbed a guy's dick in a bar? Ok no, that hasn't happened, but you better believe I'm going to try this weekend.
tk-
I hope you mean the head on top of your body. If not...EARMUFFS!
Ewww... I meant the upper head.
Again - plane crash of a comment section. bravo.
Blythe went to a fancy private college on the East Coast. Therefore, Blythe is a member of the Eastern elite. Way to brag about your pedigree, Blythe.
What happened to that loser anon and why won't s/he fight with me more?
dear crimenotes,
bite me. if you didn't notice, i was making fun of the alma mater because of its insane womens/trans/whothehellevenknows bullshit crap that i can't even talk about without getting incoherently fired up. trust me, if you know anything about smith, you'd know i wasn't bragging about it. furthermore, my pedigree includes being from craptown, oklahoma, so again, bite me.
"uncooked"-
WTF is this about?
Told you I bring out the crazy in people.
crimenotes-
Let me tell you, I spent a lot of time in the 5 college area of Massachussets and the rest of the NESCAC (read: overpriced) schools. There is nothing elitist about them.
blythe-
This is true about Smith, however you shouldn't beat yourself up so much abuot it. Mo Ho's are way way way worse.
heh. mohos. yeah, they are worse.
Ah, uncooked is me. I fucked up my logins. This is why I gave you the email address, so I'd stop screwing it up.
Oh, Blythe. Kindly reserve your rage for the polo field, miss.
polo field? i used to think you were smart. it's the rugby field, yo. wait, maybe (and that's a big maybe) you are smart. i can't tell if that was a ladies college dig or elitist school remark. damnit. you got me again. not that it's hard. since i went to an elistest east coast school.
Man, you're being all surly today, Blythe. Is your time wrinkled or something?
something's wrinkled because i spelled elitist wrong, which is anything but. also, notice how you never mention where you went to school...
i need my time unwrinkled, stat.
Notice I didn't point out the spelling error? I'm a gentleman. I thought maybe you meant e-listest, like your school was "e-list."
My academic background, like most other personal details, is not subject to public disclosure.
yeah, that was nice of you, and i do appreciate it.
and i also appreciate that you don't want to tell people you got your degree from the university of phoenix online. it's cool.
(i kid, of course, school is school is school - the only difference is how much you pay for it. i paid way too much.)
Yes, I'm obviously joking around re: the fanciness, you fragile e-list bastard.
Now pardon me as I head out to the Hamptons for polo practice.
crimenotes-
So a woman calls you out and you call her an argumentative, feminist, retard? What a lovely example you are for all men to follow. The fact remains, you're afraid of the pussy. You've displayed that in the contemptuous manner you speak to dmbmeg, blythe, and every other woman who questions your pithy comments.
I bet you have a woman for a boss and you hate her too.
If I had a woman for a boss, I'd totally nail her.
Well, not really, but I'd think about it. A lot.
1.) Polo was refreshing.
2.) You call it contemptuous. Meg calls it "foreplay." Welcome to the neighborhood.
3.) You've employed "pussy" as a proxy for women generally and bandied the word "cunt." I stand accused of pith and surliness. I'm comfortable allowing my views on women to contrast yours without further defense.
4.) What frat were you in?
word, crimenotes.
i had this whole long comment idea, but then i got distracted by popping my collar and fingering my pearl earrings while thinking about chomsky reading nora roberts.
There's not much I could add to this to make it any more entertaining, but it's posts like this one that are the reason I linked to your blog from mine for BlogDay.
stumbled across your page.. good stuff here.. a pocket rocket is a nice starter.. i own 4 diff vibes.. i highly recommend them
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