AWESOMEFEST 6000 IS HERE!

That's right! Megan flies in this afternoon, then Mel and Herb fly in tomorrow. I've already had a pep talk with my liver, and it went something like this.

Megan: "Hi liver! How's it going? Did you see Chris Sligh's wife on American Idol last night? Kind of proves my whole ugly guy/hot girl theory right?"

Liver: "I'm a liver. I don't watch tv. But thanks for not giving me a workout last weekend. I kind of didn't know what to do without something to metabolize."

Megan: "Yeah, uh, about that. I really was just trying to save a few extra bucks and catch up on some sleep. You see, I have some bad news for you."

Liver: "Oh God! What?!?!"

Megan: "I'm going to be drinking a lot this weekend. Probably more than you are used to, surprisingly. So I just wanted to prepare you for the onslaught of booze that I'm going to be forcing down my throat. I suppose this will be like a marathon for you."

Liver: "..."

Megan: "I know! I'm so excited! I bought Hungry Hungry Hippos! Fun right? Drunk Hungry Hungry Hippos! Oh yeah, and we're having a beirut tournament in my apartment on Friday!"

Liver: "Sweet jesus."

Megan: "I know! But I'm not worried, if a few of your cells die, you can always regenerate. And I already know my blood type is AB Positive in case you fail me, but you're not going to fail me, are you liver?"

Liver: "No, ma'am."

Megan: "Good. Anyways, I'm outtie. I'll make sure to check in with you some time to make sure you are still working. Lates!"

So in case I die this weekend, make sure you check on some of the blogs on my blogroll. All are a better read than my shitty blog, so while I am face down in a gutter in the East Village, at least you'll have something to read.

WHAT'S NOT AWESOME: I JUST HAD MY TWO FRIENDS BACK OUT OF THE DAILY SHOW. ANY RANDOM, CRAZY PEOPLE WANT TO GO WITH MEGAN AND I? BONUS POINTS IF YOU ARE MALE, AND WELL, HOT.

Apple has me by the balls.

Metaphorically speaking of course.

My beloved 3rd generation iPod finally hit the skids yesterday. After 6 months of not lasting longer than 10 minutes of play in the cold, and 30 minutes in room temperature, my iPod could no longer hold a charge (although I do credit the fact that my charge would only last 30 minutes indoors to my new sexy 5K time of 25 minutes!). Of course I had to go to the Apple store to buy a new one immediately. The thought of a life without an iPod is too much for me to bare.

And just an FYI that I did not know. If you bring your old iPod to the store when you purchase a new one, they will give you 10% off.

Meet my new lover. I opted for the 8GB red Nano cause part of the money I spend on the iPod goes to help fight AIDS in Africa--although I really think they need an iPod to help me get a new YSL bag. Now that is charity. I'm just sayin'. So friends, Romans, countrymen--you can now stop with the jokes about me running around Central Park with a boom box on my shoulder. This thing is tiny!

And yes, I do realize this post sucks, and no one cares that I got a new iPod. Hopefully this isn't a sign that I will be blogging about watching tv or something else boring anytime soon. Oh wait...

It's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care

Every Monday I come into work looking forward to Friday. Without fail. My life has become the movie Office Space.

Every Monday I think so myself, why do we all make ourselves work? Why can’t we all agree to just not work and hang out all day? You know, just dudes being dudes (or chicks I guess).

It then occurs to me that this is a form of anarchism, and while I would be cool just hanging out and not working, there would be some jackasses who would try and ruin the fun for everyone and steal my food, or even worse, my beer. Thanks, jerks.

So then I think, “Well, maybe if there was some form of government regulation based on need (I need a lot) about how much beer each of us can have, then we can all live in the laziness of which I dream.” I then make the realization that this is a form of communism, and while I think communism is great in theory, I don’t think, for example, the raging alcoholics seen on Intervention will be happy with the same amount of beer as I receive. Alcoholic riots would ensue, and us semi-alcoholics would build a wall separating us, and our beer, from the raging the alcoholics. To which the only solution would be for David Hasselhoff to perform on top of said wall to unite us all in sweet, sweet democracy once again.

Now we’re back in democracy. How will I pay for my beer now? Maybe if I get a job, I can buy a couple beers. Like work at, and I’m just throwing this out there; you can send it right back, a bar part-time. Everyone can work part-time. Some people can work part-time in the roller skating rink too; cause what makes people happier than beer? Roller-skating. What makes people happier than roller-skating? Roller-skating while drinking beer. I am a genius.

Then it occurs to me that there will be some greedy jackasses who want all the beer and roller skates in the world. And they will work twice as hard as me to afford said beer and roller skates. Now in order for me to afford the amount of beer and roller skates I would like for my lifestyle, I will probably have to get a job that pays me a little more, and requires just slightly more skill and effort than drinking all day at a bar and dreaming of roller skating.

And without fail, it occurs to me that my life is already there. Working at a job I am utterly bored at in order to pay for my desired lifestyle of beer and roller skates cause some jackass, greedy workaholic has a desire to work that much harder than me.

Thanks for ruining all the fun.

Shutup, and go make me a chicken pot pie

I consider myself a pretty laid back person. My family would agree, except they would probably replace “laid back” with “lethargic”. There are a few things, however, they make me want to ram my head repeatedly in the closest wall (which at this moment would be the wall in my cubicle. I just had a very funny visual of ramming my head into the cubicle wall only to watch the cubicle walls in my office fall like dominoes, trapping my co-workers underneath. HA.) The following are my biggest grievances:

1) Wet jeans – Remember back in the day when you and your family used to go to an amusement park, and you would wear your Umbro’s cause they dried faster than the average shorts? What? No? OK me neither. Let’s say “hypothetically” you did this. Then after you went on the log flume ride, you looked around and saw those people who were dumb enough to wear jeans and/or those sweet denim shorts that used to be still are so cool to wear? Remember how bad you felt for them knowing that feeling of wet denim on damp skin and how it doesn’t dry for about 72 hours unless you live on the sun? If not, perhaps you’re a skier, and you remember being all decked out in your waterproof ski gear, only to have some jackass from Iowa fly by you at 90 mph wearing just jeans and a Columbia jacket. You then notice that there is an enormous jump ahead of him that he does not see. Time stops as he launches into the air about 20 feet only to come crashing down on the ground tumbling to the bottom. His jeans? Soaking wet, no doubt. His femur? Split in two. His pride? Shattered. My point? I hate fucking wet jeans.

2) Sheryl Crow – I don’t understand why people listen to this bitch. Her voice is whiney. And I don’t give a shit if she wants to “soak up the sun”.

3) Trader Joe’s – I don’t know what it is about this place, but no matter which one you go to, there is always about a million people in this store. I mean, I know you all like your dried banana chips and your mango salsa, but do you all really need that large cart for 2 items? Did you slam 8 beers before you came into this store as well? Cause really, you’re about to break my hip the way you keep slamming into me with your cart. Don’t think once my leg is broken I won’t snap it off and beat you over the head with it. And steal your mango salsa! WHAT’S UP NOW?

4) People who talk during television shows – this was supposed to be the focus of this post, but it seems I got a little carried away there with my other 3 things I hate most in this world. So every Wednesday night I get really excited to watch Lost. I’m a little sad and pathetic, I know, but it’s a fucking awesome show. So there I am eating my Honey Nut Cheerios on my couch, waiting for the show to come on Wednesday night. My roommate walks in right before the show begins. Like most girls I know, she hates the show. But given that she thinks I’m awesome, she sits down next to me and starts to watch. Then come the questions.

“Who is that?” --this was in reference to Jack, the main character of the show.
“Why did they just say that? Is he in a lead house or a glass house? --in reference to one of the characters telling Jack not to throw stones in his metaphorical glass house.
“Why are they on this island anyways?” -- WHAT THE FUCK? ARE YOU SERIOUS, BITCH?

It went on and on until I told her this is not the show that I can explain to anyone who hasn’t seen it from the beginning. I leave to go watch in my room, and she turns on last week’s Grey’s Anatomy from our DV-R. From the serene environment of my bedroom I hear,

“Hey Megan? Why doesn’t Meredith just swim?”
“How did McDreamy find her?”
“Why is she blue?”

SWEET FUCKING LORD, WOMAN! For those of you who do not watch Lost, it’s the type of show if you look away for like one minute the whole season is ruined. It’s not like my roommate is a dumbass either. She went to Duke and has a very strenuous job as a trader at a very prestigious company. Once she sits down in front of the television though, I think she turns into a lobotomy patient. So basically I had to re-watch it last night after it’s original scheduled time. Not cool.

The best part is when I for some reason I have to say a sentence, like for example, “[Roommate], your room is on fire,” or “[Roommate], your radiator in your room is spewing steam/ boiling hot water. While this is great for my pores, I don’t think the neighbors below appreciate having water drip down to their apartment.” she’ll just turn up the volume on the television in some weird act of defiance. I love her though. No really, I do.

It doesn’t stop with my roommate either. One of my best friends here in the city and I watch movies of mine all the time. Last weekend it was the Bourne Identity. For those of you who have not seen it, the first seen begins with a shot of a body floating face down in the Mediterranean Sea. Immediately, the questions are fired out.

“Who is that?”
“Why is he floating like that?”
“Shouldn’t he be dead? There is no way anyone could survive that.”

IT’S A MOVIE! GET OVER IT! JUST WATCH THE FUCKING THING ALREADY! And, what she doesn’t realize is that if I answered her question of why and who was floating in the water, I just gave the entire movie away. Sometimes I think it would just be easier to go through movie by movie and tell her the ending, but then I know that there would still be questions like “why is he wearing that?” or “Why is she kissing him?” or “Why is he breathing?” etc. I’ve learned to just not say anything in response to her questions. She seems to not even notice, that’s how pointless the questions are.

Even when I haven’t seen the movie we are watching, she feels the need to bombard me with questions knowing full well I have as much background information as she does.

Look, I know I’m being kind of fascist here, and I don’t mind a question here and there, but when it becomes incessant and takes away from my own movie/television watching experience, don’t be surprised if it’s you they find floating face down in the Mediterranean.

"I fuck you in the ass!"

My friend Ria informed me yesterday that her husband Chris' friend was getting married. Now normally this would not pose as a shock to me, but given who this gentleman is, I was ready to throw my bag down and kick it across the floor in defiance.

When I broke up with my ex-boyfriend the first time, Ria and Chris took me out for a couple "cheer the fuck up you're single" beers at the Spring St. Lounge. That's where I met the man who we will call "Mike". Why "Mike"? Well, cause that's his name.

I sat across from Mike and gushed to Ria and Chris about this guy I was in love with. Really the whole night. It must have been quite annoying for them (sorry about that guys). Occasionally Mike and I would share a couple words, but really I had zero interest in him. Why? He looks like Steve Buscemi, and just really wasn't that funny (which gentlemen, take note. If you want into my pants, you just gotta make me laugh. We're assuming a lot here that someone SOMEWHERE would want into my pants.)

OK while I'm being a little harsh here in the fact that he looks a little better than Steve Buscemi, it does not negate the fact that I wanted to yell, "Donny! You're out of your element!" at him repeatedly.

A few days later after I informed Ria and Chris about my first impressions of Mike (which both of them found were spot on, luckily), Chris went ahead and asked Mike what he thought of me.

Mike: "She is totally fucking into me. Isn't she?"
Chris: [thinking] Actually, she thinks you look like Steve Buscemi.
Chris: [speaking] um maybe?

Bare with me. I do have a point. Now I don't really consider myself the hottest piece of ass by ANY means, I do ok if we look past my recent track record with men (note: it also helps to get the guy you're talking to senselessly drunk so he can barely do anything but say yes to you.) While I'd say I'm average or slightly above average, Mike would be clearly below average. When Ria told me what his response was regarding my interest in him, I had to laugh.

Cut to 9 months later when we are all together again drinking at the Boat Basin. I am informed Mike his here with his girlfriend. I look around and spot him, still as Buscemi as ever, but then I spot her. She could be maybe one of the hotter chicks in the bar, and clearly better looking than me.

What the fuck?

Now brings me to the point of my post. Why is it that men clearly can trade up, but women always have to settle for someone that is clearly below their league? Occasionally when I see a pretty girl with an ugly guy I have to assume that she is really really dumb with a personality of a shoe, and he is quite rich. Mike's girlfriend, on the other hand, was quite pleasant. Bitch. And Mike isn't even that rich! Has anyone ever seen a hot guy with an ugly girl? Doubtful.

Now Mike is engaged to this girl.

I know you guys are DYING to know what my ex-boyfriend was like. Maybe my friends who have met him can answer this, but since I refuse to post any pictures of him on the internet you guys are just going to imagine what he is like. N___ always said he was the brains and the humor behind the relationship while I had the nice set T's. Let's just say he was definitely better looking than Mike.

So I apologize for getting all Carrie Bradshaw on your ass since the only things "she" and I have in common are that we both live in Manhattan and have slutty friends (hey oh!). But I'm really puzzled here. As a single, self-reliant woman in Manhattan, am I doomed to wind up with my own Steve Buscemi? Or is that even asking too much? Should I be hanging outside the OTB hoping that maybe I'll find a guy with all his limbs (a quality hard to find in men at the OTB) who is willing to take me to Arby's?

Help me, people!

NOTE: if you don't know what the title of this post is in regard to and why it is relevant to this post, you suck.

I clearly need to stop drinking at work

Why I feel like one marathon wasn't enough, I do not know

Countdown to Awesomefest 6000! One week!

I also made a purchase today in anticipation of Awesomefest 6000. During Awesomefest 4000, Megan and Katie got separated from me by being lured to a far away land (the Upper East Side) with the promise of teal leather couches, and sex. OK maybe not sex, but it turns out these UES dudes could provide a service at their apartment that I failed to provide. I not only failed myself, but I failed m'ladies as well. For that, there will a lifetime of regret.

nice bra, Megan. Whore. (Smooches!)

However, this trip I will not disappoint. I will bring my friends back home with me with that same promise those teal leather couch boys lured them away with initially. Oh yes, I will bring them back. Back into the safety of my loving embrace….this time….THIS TIME….there will be no travel to the Upper East Side to play Hungry Hungry Hippos. Unless it’s sexy Hungry Hungry Hippos. Then it’s cool.

Consider this a public service announcement.

Dear all men,
Are you really that dim? All of you? Is there a law that I am unaware of that requires all mothers to drop their newborn sons on their heads? Repeatedly? When a girl drags her poor friends to the bar you are at just so she can see you, isn't that a sign that she likes you? When a girl actually says, "I like you," how does that make her "hard to read"? Do you really think texting her drunk at 4 am once a month is a good way to get her to think you like her? What did you all do before texting? Actually talk to the girl? GASP! You know, there are these things called dates that we actually like to go on every now and then. NEWSFLASH: when a girl refuses to sleep with you right away, it most likely means she likes you. Imagine that! Not all girls will fuck you right away no matter how charming you are! And when she returns the favor of drunken texting at 3am, and you don't respond? Not a good sign to give a girl you supposedly like! So please, please don't be surprised that after all of your attempts to text her at 3am telling her how badly you want her and then in turn not responding to her own advances, that she interprets that as your attempt to use her at a cum dumpster. And we still wouldn't fuck you with someone else's vagina until you strap on a pair.

Thank you,
Megan

The dark days are over!

Did you know what the "dark days" are? Didn't think so.

The dark days are is the short period of time between the end of football season, and the first day of when pitchers and catchers report. Some of you might say, "but what about basketball and hockey?" I don't like basketball. Never have. It always seems that the game is decided in the last 3 minutes, so my thought is why not just play for those 3 minutes and save us all some time and energy? No need to remind me of my brilliance. I'm already fully aware. I do watch college basketball, but since Iowa sucks this year, the only thing I have to watch is March Madness--that and endless Duke games my roommate's boyfriend makes me watch.

Then there is hockey. I'm from Minnesota. I'm a puckbunny. There was never anything hotter to me than a guy who played hockey when I was in high school. Hell, there was a short period of time when I found guys with hockey hair attractive. Very short time, indeed.
But ever since the North Stars left Minnesota, I have yet to find a new NHL team. The Minnesota Wild just never did it for me. I've been to a few Islanders and Rangers games (sorry Devils), but neither fell right. I guess I'm still a hockey free agent fan.

Considering the Twins most excellent performance in the regular season (I'm conveniently forgetting about the post-season), and all their best players (with the exception of Liriano) coming back in their prime, it should prove to be a very excellent year for me again. Lots of drinking, shouting at the Yankees and the White Sox (and their dumb fans too), and unlimited wings at Down the Hatch. My ex-boyfriend used to take me to baseball games quite a bit, so considering most of my friends are girls that don't follow baseball, it may be increasingly difficult for me to catch as many games as I would like. But I will try. If I have to offer random men on the street sloppy blowjobs to keep me company at a baseball game, you better believe I'm going to do it.

I'm so excited.

Everyone loves surveys!

1. What bill do you hate paying the most? Bloomingdales. Damn you ridiculously over-priced designer jeans. You WILL be the death of me.
2. Where's the best place to eat a romantic dinner? My vagina
3. Last time you puked from drinking? this night
4. When is the last time you got drunk and danced on a bar? um, I’ve never done this before. Ah fuck who are we kidding? Uncle Ming’s for Awesomefest 4000. But instead of dancing sexy, I did the robot. And the Pee-wee Herman dance. The bartender gave me two free shots.
5. Name one of your first grade teachers? Well after study hall…No. Who has more than one first grade teacher? Mine was Mrs. Barnes. She smelled like an ashtray so kids in my class used to take her cigarettes out of her purse and hide them. Weeeeeee!
6. What do you really want to be doing right now? sleeping. Well, right now I am sleeping, but it’s with my eyes open. Not nearly as satisfying.
7. What did you want to be when you were growing up? Doctor. Now I am just a doctor of love.
8. How many colleges did you attend? One. Go Hawkeyes!
9. Why did you wear the shirt that you have on right now? Because it was the easiest one to reach in my closet. Dressing is hard for me sometimes.
10. GAS PRICES! I walk to work. Gas is for losers.
11. If you could move anywhere and take someone with you? Thailand. Any hetero-life partner will do.
12. First thought when the alarm went off this morning? I love you, alarm! What the hell do you think my reaction was?
13. Last thought before going to sleep last night?I don’t remember my last thought. Kids, stay off the booze. You don’t want to end up like me.
14. Favorite style of underwear?Any kind that doesn’t ride up my ass. And yes, I do wear thongs, but it’s different. Those sit gently between my ass cheeks. Annnnnd now we’re a whole lot closer.
15. Favorite style of underwear for the opposite sex? Boxers. I had this thing with my ex-boyfriend where I would buy him the most ridiculous pair of boxers J Crew would sell. My favorite was the ones with crabs all over them.
16. What errand/chore do you despise? LAUNDRY.
17. If you didn't have to work, would you volunteer at an art gallery? uh, no. Unless it was an art gallery full of porn. Then I might.
18. Get up early or sleep in? Sleep in. So not a morning person.
19. What is your favorite cartoon character? Scooby Dooby Doo. Where are you?
20. Favorite NON sexual thing to do at night with a girl/guy? um, I don’t understand. I have sex all the time at night with everyone who I come in contact with. Get it? COME in contact with? Nevermind.
21. A secret that you wouldn't mind everyone knowing? I can burp the ABC’s
22. When did you first start feeling old? I still don’t feel old really. Kid at heart.
23. Favorite 80's movie? Wall Street.
24. Your favorite lunch meat? Anything thrown at my naked body.
25. What do you get every time you go into Costco? Those 8 gallon jars of ketchup fit nicely into MY 750 SQUARE FT APARTMENT.
26. Beach or lake? Lake. Duh, I’m from the Land of 10,000 Lakes!
27. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual that was invented? What?
28. Who do you stalk on MySpace? your mom.
29. Favorite guilty pleasure? Beaches (the movie). Shit you not! Right next to my DVD of Last of the Mohicans.
30. Favorite movie you wouldn't want anyone to find out about? I’m proud of everything I own
31. What's your drink? Right now? Water. I like the taste.
32. Cowboys or Indians? Indians. Because I like curry.
33. Cops or Robbers?? I’ll rob you!
34. What would you do for a Klondike Bar? ask for one.
35. Favorite Childhood Cartoon? Japanimation.
36. Favorite Late Night After Party Eatery? any kind of diner that serves chicken fingers. Or J’s Pizza on W 16th and 7th.
37. What was your childhood fear? Having my heart ripped and then being thrown into a pit of fire like the guy in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.
38. Who from high school would you like to run into? Why would I want to run into someone when a simple “hello” would do? I might knock them over.
39. What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now? HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU I DON’T HAVE A CAR?
40. Why do you fill out these surveys? desperate for attention. Why else?
41. Is it better to reign in hell or serve in heaven? do they have beer in heaven?
42. Norm or Cliff? Cliff. Gates, how could you not care? Have you no soul?
43. The Cosby Show or the Simpson? SOOOOOOO Cosby Show. It’s so underrated.
44. Worst relationship mistake that you wish you could take back? having one.
45. Do you like the person who sits directly across from you at work? Candyman? Oh I love Candyman. He always has a bowl full of Twix and Snickers for me to eat. I suppose it’s about time to learn his name…
46. If you could get away with it, who would you kill? Jessica Simpson. You hear me bitch? I’m coming after you!
47. What famous person(s) would you like to have dinner with? Mario Batali. I bet he tastes good. Like olive oil.
48. What famous person would you like to sleep with? Ryan Gosling.
49. Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purpose? Only to put out the daily burning sensation in my loins.
50. Last book you read for real? The Age of Innocence. Yay book club!
51. Do you have a teddy bear? Yes. He sits in my room. Always watching. Staring.
52. Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth? In my bathroom. I know. GASP!
53. Somewhere in California you've never been and would like to go? The beach where they filmed “Ain’t Nuthin’ but a ‘G’ Thang”.
54. Number of texts in a day? Lots. And usually they are from drunk people.
55. At this point in your life would you rather start a new career or a new relationship? Who said I had a career to begin with?
56. Do you go to church? No. Rather not spontaneously burst into flames any time soon. Thank you.
57. Pencil or pen? pervert.
58. bueller??? bueller??? bueller? has anyone seen Ferris?? what the fuck?
60. What do you want to achieve in life? Right now I can’t see past dinner.
61. How old are you? how are YOU, question # 61?
62. where do you see yourself when you are 40? probably right here. Updating my shitty blog with another shitty survey about how I am going through menopause or that awesome sale at Chicos.

It's not you. It's me.

Looking for housing in New York City is never easy. It takes a couple of years before most people find suitable housing that doesn't include any of the following: a) a windowless bedroom, b) infestation of any kind, 3) a crazy roommate.

When I moved into my apartment in Chelsea, I knew I found a steal. It was priced way under market value, and everything was just renovated. Finally, I found what every New Yorker only dreams of: the perfect apartment.

When my roommate announced to me that she was moving in with her boyfriend, I knew that I would not have any problem finding a new one. Anyone who would see the place would want to live here. After posting an ad on craigslist looking for a roommate, I was still caught off guard by just how many responses I got. As of 10 minutes ago, the number of emails I received of people showing interest was close to 100. How was I going to weed out the crazies? There is no way I can sit down and meet with 100 people in a weekend (nor would I even want to). So I decided to recruit the help of two of my friends, and have an open house.

dum, Dum, DUM.
I went to one of these open houses last year before I found my current apartment. It was insane. The only way I can describe it would be something similar to the Bachelor. 25 desperate women all vying for the attention of one single person. It was a Gong Show. And now it was my turn to be the center of attention. Fucking sweet.

The night arrives. Already women are showing up early. Like an hour early. Like when I was eating dinner with my friend watching re-runs of Intervention early. The open house hadn't even happened, and already I was getting pissed off.

Finally, 30 minutes before the scheduled time of the open house was to begin, I started to let people up. Women with 4 inch stiletto boots and purses worth more than my life were so excited at the thought of living with me, I think if I told them I wanted to watch them clean the apartment in just a thong, they would have agreed.

Then there were a few girls who were clearly out of my league. And by clearly out of my league, I mean my league was higher. Much, much higher. One bitch walked in and screamed, "so you all are the competition!" Another chick whined to me, "all these other girls are so much prettier than I am!" Get some confidence, woman!

There I was. The center of attention of like 20 girls standing around me. Eyes all glistening and laughing at my jokes. Yes, my jokes that I am fully aware that are not funny. That's how desperate these girls were. Some began to perspire.

Once the open house was over, and I assured every person that I would be in contact with them either way, I began to receive emails that night. Like 15 minutes after some people left. They all said the same thing, "You're great"...blah blah...."love the apartment"...blah blah..."think we would really get along"...blah blah. All I kept on thinking was, is this how guys feel? What is it about I will contact you do you not understand?

I mean, I was seriously turned off by the overly aggressive ones. Like let me chase you. If I want you to be my roommate, I'll make sure I will do everything in my power to make you my roommate. Yesterday, I had one chick send me an unsolicited gmail chat where she gave me an ultimatum. An ultimatum! It was either I had to decide if I wanted her as a roommate at that very moment, or she was going to live somewhere else. While feeling a little weird being put on the spot like that, I told her that I needed a few days. Time to think. This was a very important decision, and I didn't want to rush into anything. She said she understood, but disappointed. She was going to live with the other girl.

10 minutes later, she IMs me again. She tells me she is still interested. In case her apartment falls through, she wants me to still contact her. Whoa, stop right there honey! Are you playing games with me? Is that what that was? Cause it's really ineffective, and you're coming off psychotic. I still have yet to IM her back. You think she'll get the hint?

Then as I narrowed down my decision last night, I realized I had to send out the "rejection" emails. What do I say? It's not you, it's me? You're a crazy psycho bitch who sweats too much? I think you're going to suffocate me with a pillow in my sleep then try on all my clothes as I breath my last breath? I went with the generic response to everyone:

Hi [crazy apartment lady]-
Thanks so much for coming! It was great to meet you. Unfortunately I have decided to go with someone else. Best of luck in your search!

-Megan

In the end, I chose the girl who played a little hard to get, but showed enough interest for me to feel confident enough for me to reach out to her. It's funny, without even discussing it with each other, my friends and I all put her on the top of the list as the best potential roommate for me.

What's the lesson here? Bitches are crazy. Mother fucking crazy. I now realize why guys react the way they do. Granted I don't think they should act like that with me, cause well I'm NORMAL, but I now understand their passive aggressive way of dumping girls. Oh man, do I understand.

"That's alright. That's ok. You will work for us one day!"

According to Perez Hilton, this picture was taken at some bar in Minneapolis called Bunkers. After this picture was taken, I hope this guy took out his dick and Danza slapped (i.e. slapped his dick across her face. Apparently Tony Danza has a huge dick and does this frequently) Jessica Simpson. And maybe John Mayer too. Before he released Continuum. You know, cause that's how us Hornets roll.

Anyways. Edina, MN. REPRESENT! Go Big Green!

(and no, I do not know who this guy is, but he looks really familiar to me. Widmoyer, Seif....any idea?)

P.S. in case you are dumb, and haven't figured out why I got so excited about this picture, I graduated from Edina High School in 1998.

Smooth operator...

Last weekend I went down to the Apple store in Soho to get someone to get disc 1 of Season 1 of Arrested Development out of my brand new sexy Macbook. While waiting in line, my eye caught fancy of one of the guys working at the "Genius Bar"--I guess it's the Apple version of the help desk. He was totally my type: long flowing black locks, sparkling blue eyes, just the right amount of scruff...sigh.

Since he was already helping someone out, I figured my chances were slim that he would help me. Knowing my luck, I would get the midget Asian guy standing right next to him who I SWEAR was standing on a stool to look over the counter. I watched my name as it slowly crept to the top of the list. Finally, the bitch Sexy Apple Guy was helping left, and I totally thought I was in! But oh no, he left to go into the back room. I saw the vision of our children disappear, only to replace with short ugly Asian babies that I was about to have with Midget Asian Guy next to him.

Finally, after 5 minutes of people watching in line, my name is called. I look up. It's my Apple lover. Calling me. Wanting me to come to him. It's destiny.

I walk up to him in my best sexy walk, which is quite difficult when you are wearing ripped Jeans, a Wisconsin sweatshirt (shutup. Go Hawkeyes!), and your beat ass Chuck Taylor's. I did my best though. We make eye contact. The dream of our children re-emerges in my mind. He speaks.

Sexy Apple Guy: "Hi, what's wrong with your computer?"

Megan: [thinking] Will you have sex with me?

Megan: [speaking] "There is a DVD stuck in my computer."

Sexy Apple Guy: "Oh, what DVD?"

Megan: [thinking] OH MY GOD! IS HE FLIRTING WITH ME? WHERE IS YOUR FUCKING CLEAVAGE WHEN YOU NEED IT MEGAN??!?!!? DO YOU THINK HE WOULD THINK IT WAS SEXY IF I TOOK OFF MY SWEATSHIRT??

Megan: [speaking] "It's a DVD of Arrested Development."

Sexy Apple Guy: "What season?"

Megan: [thinking] OH MY GOD HE IS FLIRTING WITH ME! AND HE LIKES ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT! AND HE IS SEXY! PERHAPS WE CAN GO INTO THE BACK ROOM AND HAVE SEX? IT'S BEEN SO LONG SINCE I HAVE HAD SEX. I WONDER IF I STILL REMEMBER HOW TO DO IT.

Megan: [speaking]: "Season 1."

Sexy Apple Guy: [smiling] "ok, I'll be right back."

Megan: [thinking] YEAH THAT'S RIGHT! GO FIND A PLACE FOR US TO HAVE SEX! OH MY GOD! WHAT IF I WAS WATCHING PORN? OR EVEN WORSE...THAT DVD OF 13 GOING ON 30 I JUST BOUGHT!

Megan: [no facial expression whatsoever] "ok, thanks."

[Sexy Apple Guy returns 3 minutes later to explain that I managed to bend something in the disc drive when inserting my DVD]

Sexy Apple Guy: "I fixed it, but next time this happens, take something long and thin [he holds up some kind of weird tool with a flat, pointed edge about the size of a pencil] and wedge it into the slot."

Megan: [silence]

Megan: [drooling]

Megan: [more silence]

Megan: [staring]

Megan: "ok thank you I will remember that. Have a nice night."

Sexy Apple Guy: "you too."

Megan: [walking out of Apple Store with DVD in hand, and sexy new Macbook fixed by Sexy Apple Guy, and thinking,] YOU FUCKING DUMB SLUT. NEXT TIME THROW YOUR BREASTS ON THE COUNTER.

And that's how I roll. Cue Sade lyrics.

Excuse me while I girl out for a moment

Last night I got invited to some fashion party at Bergdorf Goodman. While I consider myself a more Sears and JC Penney kind of gal, there is no way I would ever pass up free champagne (so I didn't watch Lost. Please no one tell me what happened until I get a chance to watch it tonight). And good champagne at that. It was just as ridiculous as I expected. I almost didn't make it out alive. I air kissed and even muttered the words, "$650 for a Miu Miu dress? That's a steal!" Sorry starving Darfur refugees.

But, my temporary snobbishness quickly dissipated when this gentleman walked in.

It's Michael Kors! (he is a famous designer and judge on Project Runway) And may I tell you it's very difficult to pretend to text message when you are actually trying to take a photo of someone.

I also have some sad news. Megan already mentioned this on her site, but it needs to be mentioned again.

Firefighters responded to an accidental fire that spread to a two-story house from an outdoor trash can at 111 Evans St. at 12:45 p.m. Sunday; the blaze is likely to result in a "total loss" for the residents, said Dan Smith, an Iowa City Fire Department battalion chief. Damage to the house - which was "fully engulfed in flames" - is estimated to be approximately $104,000, according to a news release.

Yeah, that's the house I lived in for my last two years in college. And dude, Megan, they painted the football house across the street! It's no longer puke yellow! Anyways, pour one for the homies.

Putting others down to make myself feel better

So this is another fun response I received the other day from a fine, young (i.e. under the age of 35 apparently) gentleman in regards to my roommate search:

Hey... I'm was looking for an apt around chelsea when I saw your ad.The rent is bit expensive for me, But I just wanted to tell you thatthat's the best ad iv'e ever read here. Youv'e got great great energies.You're funny and sharp. Real and honest. You sound like a lot of fun...

Just wanted to tell you thatgood luck with finding a roomate!I know you'll make the right choice..

O

BTW- If you know about someone as cool as you that looking for a roomatearound 1100$ let me know :)

Oh yes, and he attached his picture.

While it was actually really nice what he wrote, I am still a little tempted to throw up in my shoe. First off, I'm hoping he is gay, because, well, I would hope no straight man in his right mind would ever think a straight woman would EVER find this "provacative" pose in his underwear sexy. Despite this, I can't stop staring at his fucking bulge. How many boy scouts you got under there, buddy? Secondly, what the hell is on his computer? At least throw the New York Times on there so I at least think you're smart rather than displaying an image which looks like a walking tube of tooth paste and a giant slice of pizza hanging out on a beach near some rock. Actually, given his excellent use of the English language, I don't think even a summary of Stephen Hawking's A Brief History in Time could save him from my judgement. Third,....um....ok fuck it. There is no third. I can't stop staring at his bulge. HA! NOW YOU ARE TOO! SUCKER!!!

Cry me a river!

In honor of my newly recognized depressed state, I thought I would list my top 5 movies to cry over. You know, times when you just want to eat an entire pint of Ben and Jerry's on top of that large pizza you just ate (not like I would know what that is like. Gross!) All provide me a little perspective, and make me realize that maybe I don't have it so rough.

5. Hotel Rwanda - a movie about one of the greatest travesties in the last 10 years. The world watched on television as a half a million people were slaughtered because of their ethnicity. And we did nothing. Buck Swope, you are my hero. Ok that was insensitive, but it's Buck Fucking Swope!

4. Philadelphia - That last scene after Andy dies, his family gathers in his apartment to celebrate his life. The last shot of the movie is a closeup on the television that is playing videos from his childhood with Neil Young's Philadelphia playing the background. Cuts like a knife!

3. Awakenings - Oh man, maybe cause it's a true story, and the thought of living like this would be my personal hell, but I sob throughout this entire movie. Non-stop tears. I see that it is on TBS, and I have to go immediately into my room for the tissues. I like Robert DeNiro showing his sensitive side. Much better than him screaming, "Cooooounnnnseelllllerrrrr....Counnnsseeellllllerrrr.....come out, come out where
ever you are!"

2. The Green Mile - There is nothing more liberal about me than my criticism of the death penalty. I couldn't even watch Saddam Hussein's execution video without wanting to throw up. Now replace a tyrannical dictator with a black Christ-like protagonist, and you get where I'm coming from.

1. Glory - forget it. I can't even watch this movie. It literally makes me sick to my stomach. I remember going to some black history museum in Boston and seeing Robert Gould Shaw's uniform on display. I couldn't even stand near the thing for very long, that's how much of an effect this movie had on me.

So if you have not seen any of these movies, I would suggest going out and watching them immediately. They're kind of intense, but all will really help get the sad out. So everyone, come share with me your top 5 movies that make you cry. None of this, "I'm a man, I don't cry." Show me a grown man who doesn't cry at Miracle, and I'll you you a man without a soul. Take that USSR!

Yeah baby! You can be my new daddy!

Another "real" response I received from my ad:

Hello Megan,

I would love to come by on the 12th at 7:30. Can you tell me anymore about the place? What utilities are included? Is there cable / internet in the available bedroom? Landline? What laundry facilities are nearby? Lease? Is there a required deposit? Looking forward to stopping by to check it out. By the way...I will be 41 on March 30th...but am a kid at heart. I hope that is ok?

David

WHAT IS IT ABOUT BEING 24-30 DO THESE PEOPLE NOT UNDERSTAND!??!?!?!

You are SO going to be my roommate!

Thanks Superbee. I received this in my inbox this am.

Hi,

I’m interested in your ad. About me: I’m a 26-year-old lawyer. In my spare time, I’m involved in an angry Vampiric ska-punk band. Our act typically involves throwing animal blood around and screaming into microphones. I play the drums, so we’d have to have practice at my place, because the drums are just too hard to move around. My band mates are all really cool, but sometimes they might want to crash at my place, when all the homeless shelters are full.

I’m a strict raw-vegan, and don’t allow any meat or ovo-lacto products to be near my food. Also, I don’t drink, and I don’t like to be around it. I’m a recovering heroin addict, so I have a spoon-phobia, and were I to be your potential new roommate, I would need all spoons to be removed from the apartment, because spoons may cause a relapse, and the last thing anyone wants is to find me cutting myself with razors, in a fetid room, with feces hurled around the walls.

Other than that, I’m very mild-mannered, clean and respectful. When our band isn’t playing I’m pretty quiet. I do, however, have night-terrors that cause me to walk in my sleep. I’ve only once been charged with manslaughter as a result of the night terrors, but I was acquitted, because the Jury found that I didn’t know what I was doing when I bludgeoned that girl to death.

I have a steady job, so rent isn’t a problem, and I’m totally willing to go halfsies on utilities! Let me know!