I picked up my new baby today.
And I can't wait to ride her (that's what he said). Now, if you're anything like me, you're picturing how hot I will look in my spandex shorts (yes, I have them) riding my new bike in Central Park with the wind in my hair and a smile on my face.
Not so fast.
The thing about biking in Central Park is you are biking amongst the elite. They go flying through the park at 40 mph. Because of this I decided I needed a helmet so, you know, I don't flip over my bike and die (also, they are kind of mandatory through Team in Training). I haven't really been biking since I used to bike to travel to and from class in college (which I promptly gave up in favor of driving to class mid Junior year), so I never wore a helmet before. Back when I was a kid, we didn't wear helmets. Playing outside just wasn't fun unless you risked your life. What can I say? Kids today are pussies.
I thought maybe because of the spandex and the tight biking clothing I might be able to score a date on my rides. It would go like this:
[Megan is biking. Handsome dude pulls up beside her]
Him: Hello, gorgeous.
Megan [seductively]: Hi there.
Him: Let's make babies.
That's pretty much it. They didn't tell me though that when I bought this helmet that my dream of bike sex would be shattered just like Spitzer's career in politics. Why? BECAUSE I LOOK LIKE THIS:Oh, but if the humiliation factor isn't big enough, they decided to kick it up a notch in our training. Yep, I HAVE TO WEAR A SWIM CAP when swimming. They didn't tell me wearing it would be like trying to put a condom on my head (not like I would know what that feels like. Nope). I'm not even kidding when I say I make that face every single time I put the thing on.
Yep, you see my name on the side of my head? They're making us write our names on our swim cap not in case we slip on wet tile, hit our heads, and forget who we are like I originally thought, but rather for them to should fascist workout orders at us while we are in the pool. "I SAID DO THE BUTTERFLY, NOT THE BREASTSTROKE YOU SORRY EXCUSE FOR A TRIATHLETE!!!!"
Oh yeah, and I have to wear goggles too.Not so much.