And I can't wait to ride her (that's what he said). Now, if you're anything like me, you're picturing how hot I will look in my spandex shorts (yes, I have them) riding my new bike in Central Park with the wind in my hair and a smile on my face.Not so fast.
The thing about biking in Central Park is you are biking amongst the elite. They go flying through the park at 40 mph. Because of this I decided I needed a helmet so, you know, I don't flip over my bike and die (also, they are kind of mandatory through Team in Training). I haven't really been biking since I used to bike to travel to and from class in college (which I promptly gave up in favor of driving to class mid Junior year), so I never wore a helmet before. Back when I was a kid, we didn't wear helmets. Playing outside just wasn't fun unless you risked your life. What can I say? Kids today are pussies.
Anyways...
I thought maybe because of the spandex and the tight biking clothing I might be able to score a date on my rides. It would go like this:
[Megan is biking. Handsome dude pulls up beside her]
Him: Hello, gorgeous.
Megan [seductively]: Hi there.
Him: Let's make babies.
That's pretty much it. They didn't tell me though that when I bought this helmet that my dream of bike sex would be shattered just like Spitzer's career in politics. Why? BECAUSE I LOOK LIKE THIS:
Oh, but if the humiliation factor isn't big enough, they decided to kick it up a notch in our training. Yep, I HAVE TO WEAR A SWIM CAP when swimming. They didn't tell me wearing it would be like trying to put a condom on my head (not like I would know what that feels like. Nope). 
I'm not even kidding when I say I make that face every single time I put the thing on.
Yep, you see my name on the side of my head? They're making us write our names on our swim cap not in case we slip on wet tile, hit our heads, and forget who we are like I originally thought, but rather for them to should fascist workout orders at us while we are in the pool. "I SAID DO THE BUTTERFLY, NOT THE BREASTSTROKE YOU SORRY EXCUSE FOR A TRIATHLETE!!!!"Oh yeah, and I have to wear goggles too.
Not so much.
37 comments:
You know, today's "unattractive" is tomorrow's "runway craze." Goggles and con-domes are the new black.
con-domes!
I just LOLzyed.
Marc Jacobs is going to design his own line of swim caps next after reading this blog post!!!
Debbie Hunt has nothing on you.
Ha!
(I totally got this comment reference and did not have to IM you inquiring about it. True story)
Three!
SHE TOUCHED MY PEPE, STEVE!
Tri-athletes have smoking bodies--no one looks at what they're wearing. I had a tri-athlete sit in front of me all semester senior year. I assure you, I learned absolutely nothing in Immunology.
I'll say this, but then it is not to be mentioned. There are, in circulation of my several bookshelves, to this day, pictures of me in speedos with goggles and swimcap. Ah, high school...
Delightful.
This is the funniest thing that I have EVER read!
I don't get it.
What's not sexy about helmets and swim caps?
I guess you're just too vanilla for that.
May I strongly suggest the the lycra swim caps - they don't protect the hair as much but they're about 800% easier to get on and off comfortably.
I'm constantly surprised by the pleasure you get in being goofy. It's quite endearing.
i hate wearing my helmet too. absolutley hate it. it looks dorky when you wear it and when you take it off you have helmet head. Im not sure which one is worse....
I have that same helmet. I just can't bring myself to wear it so I just gave up biking instead.
meg, if you wet it [the swimcap] before you put it on, it won't hurt so much.
[insert dirty thought]
The only thing I ever used a swim cap for was to play "Fetus" when I worked at a day camp.
During swim time, the boys would take the red caps (we used them to identify non-swimmers which I always thought was mean) and stretch them out wide under water. I would then jump in the cap and the would hold me up over the pool. The result: I looked like a fetus in a red womb. Then the cap would break and I would spill out like a newborn babe.
I guess we should have been watching the children. Oops.
Also, thank you flop for the Debbie Hunt reference. Made my day!!!
Lots of head accessories! Well, you look...sporty. :)
I love you.
That is all.
Hot.
Hot hot hot hot hot.
And as far as I'm concerned, ALL dates need to begin that way. Only instead of "let's make babies" it could also be, "sex. now." Because some of us are not overtly fond of babies.
I think for added enjoyment, you could glue tufts of hair on the sides of the swim cap. Ta da! Now it's a costume!
You could be Stephen Wright.
girl with curious hair-
[glances at giant sandwich in front of her]
Smoking bodies, huh?
BoL-
I'll let you borrow my scanner. Go ahead and post them.
crimenotes-
Yes, I know your favorite posts of mine are when I humlilaite myself through pictures. I dedicate this post to you.
tara-
Awwwwww, thanks.
tk-
You know when Wesley Snipes says, "Always bet on black" on Passenger 57? He stole that line from me. I'm not vanilla.
anonymous-
thank you. At first I saw an anonymous commenter and thought, "Oh no" but you actually were nice! Sadly, and I appreciate the help, we gotta wear that swim cap.
jhc-
[blushing] My humiliation is for your enjoyment!
princess-
THANKS! Something else to look forward to! Helmet head!
julie-
Thought about that, or at the minimum just walking my bike through the triathlon to avoid wearing th helmet, but I don't think the triathlon officals would go for that.
verbald-
oh you dirty little bitch.
mjones-
Thank you for making me laugh harder than I have in a week (or two). I'm totally trying that at swim practice tomorrow (but i don't think my body will fit in the swim cap)
hollywood-
sadly, "sporty" won't get me laid.
hellafied-
I thought while writing this, "Gatesy's gonna flip."
joy-
Yes, I think I like your dream better. Less lifelong commitment involved.
We judge this post to be amazing.
j-money-
No silly. That would create drag in the water and slow my swim time up. I'm totally going to win this fucking bitch!
2log-
If by "amazing" you meant "retarded", then my mission was accomplished!
Trust me when I tell you there are no winners when you're donning that cap.
jhc-
if by "no winners" you meant "YOU'RE SO GOING TO FUCKING KICK ASS" then....I AGREE!
Oh my tales of summer camp will make you pee your pants. Thanks for giving me ideas for posts.
I CANNOT WAIT.
OMFG!! UR FU**ING HILARIOUS!!! I<3U!!!!
BOOKMARKED under: CoolAssPpl
I tried to read Mommy's post and I got the first migraine in my entire life.
How much should we bet that is J Leman?
You. Are. Brave. Good luck!
I've never wanted you more than I do right this second. You totally make "retarded" look hot. Grrr baby.
vanessa-
more like stupid, but thanks!
dr. monkey-
So you are saying you are attracted to retarded people? That's just wrong, man.
This is my first visit to your blog and you are hilarious! I just bought a swim cap... good to know it will be a pain in my ass!
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