The Bachelor

Not sure if all of you are aware, but I love The Bachelor. Like LOVE love. I stopped watching after season 3 for some reason or another, but I'm pretty sure it was mostly cause I was drunk from like 2002-2007 and just blacked out.

I've again returned to watching, and let me tell you, it's fucking AWESOME. Let me share with you some observations:

• The Bachelor says "I can see myself falling in love with you." This would be fine and "romantic" and all, but he literally says this to every single girl. Most of these girls aren't as savvy as us New York ladies as we hear "Daayum, baby. I'd love you LONG time!" just walking down the street (usually from parking attendents, alcoholic bar patrons smoking outside, and of course, construction workers. The difference with these girls who hail from cities like Littleton, CO and Holland, MI, is that they actually believe him. I can honestly say I've thought "I could fall in love with this person" once, maybe twice in my lifetime. But hand a pretty boy with no personality 25 roses, and suddenly he's in love more than Cher.


• Every rose ceremony is "the most dramatic rose ceremony....EVER." Look, unless I see those bitches spittin' on each other, a la Flavor of Love or getting beejes in the bathroom a la Paradise Hotel, no one rose ceremony is more dramatic than the next. It's pretty formulaic. Boy gets rid of minorities first (can't bring them home to mom and dad....ick!), boy goes on one-on-one dates with blond Account Executives, Fashion Merchandisers, Real Estate Agents etc etc etc., girls look nervous throughout rose ceremony as their eyes well up with tears watching the women that "aren't there for him" get THEIR rose, and then proceed to get booted out the door as the tears really start flowing and they wonder about their "special connection" that the Bachelor claimed they shared. Asshole!


• If I went on this show, I'd be the one who gets drunk. First off, I'd be condescending as all hell which would not go over with my potential Prince Charming. I need sarcasm, sports, beer, and getting felt up in the bathroom NOT BCBG dresses, strappy sandals, perfectly coifed hair with highlights, french manicures, "romance", champagne, and a guy prettier than I am. I would then proceed to drink the champagne, however, because "alcohol is alcohol" where I'd get in a fight with the token black chick about how "real I am", hit on Chris during the Rose Ceremony, throw my drink down at the Bachelor's feet when I don't get a rose, throw my arms up in the air and shout, "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO", run outside, pass out in the bushes where there would be a single shot of my bare foot as the show fades to commercial. I would remain there til morning when the producers had to tell me "it's time for me to go" and roll my suitcase (filled only with Hawkeye sweatshirts and Chuck Taylors) right next to me.


• The dates are the stupidest things I have ever seen. No one does shit like that. Last night I witnessed a date where the Bachelor and his lady ate chocolate covered strawberries in candlelight on a rug (I'm only assuming it was bear skin). The only time I have ever ate anything on the ground is because I passed out there and I needed sustenance from the leftover crumbs from the pizza I shoved into my mouth at 3am the previous night. Plus fruit and chocolate is gross.


• All I ever want the women to do is fight. There is nothing better in the whole world. The cattier, the better.


• Watching people kiss on that show is more nauseating to me than Two Girls-One Cup.


• Why would anyone go on this show? I think the record for "love found on a reality show" might be like 1-50, the one being Trista and Ryan (I am ashamed to know this). People need to do what I do, and just find love in a bar. With their beer, that is. Not a guy. And maybe play some Nudie Touch cause that shit is fu-uunnnn.

Despite all this, I can't stop watching. It's a beautiful train wreck in which no one dies. They all just cry. And eat chocolate covered strawberries.