- Ladies first, gentlemen - Yes, I know you're an asshole, but ladies should always get on and off the elevator before you. I'm not one for the antiquated laws of unnecessary chivalry, but this is one that pisses me off. Any guy that gets off before me is an asshole. There, I said it.
- Form a line - Too many times I have waited patiently for my elevator only to have some jackass with there Iced Decaf Triple Venti Soy 1 Pump Sugar Free Vanilla Latte (can you tell I used to work at Starbucks?) walk to the front of the line and get in first. Yes, I know there isn't a velvet rope, but it's common courtesy to let those who were there first board the elevator first. The best spots in the elevator are always the ones in the back anyways. You don't have to get out of the elevator to let anyone off ever!! This isn't the Titanic and there's enough room for everyone (most of the time), I know. But just do it. That brings me to my 3rd point...
- If you do get on last, get out of the way when people on lower floors need to get off - Nothing irks me more when the elevator doors open and the people closest to them just stare blankly up at the floor number expecting the people behind them to leap frog over them to get off their floor. Don't worry, asshat, the elevator won't leave without you despite me furiously pressing the "close door" button to leave you behind.
- No, there is not "room for one more" - I once was in a very crowded elevator as we stopped on every single floor on the way down (I can't even tell you how many times I have heard the, "this is the local elevator! Ha Ha Ha" when this happens). I was pretty sure we were filled to maximum capacity as this 300 lb brawd's fake Louis Vuitton was digging into my lower back. The doors open, and this guy, rather than just wait for the next elevator, literally pushed himself in. It was so cramped at this point that I'm pretty sure someone impregnated me. The best part was, the elevator stopped on the next floor and the same asshole was all, "SORRY NO MORE ROOM!" It was at that point when I thought about encouraging the people he denied to stand on his shoulders. Or maybe decapitation. Either one.
- If you see the elevator doors closing, don't throw your arm to get on - Sometimes you're running really late only to see the elevator doors closing on you. It happens to everyone. Well, friend, there are two kinds of people in this world. There are the people who let the doors close because they understand if they wanted that elevator, they should not have been late. Then there are the people who would throw the head of their first born in there to stop the elevator from going up. You see, every time you throw your arm in there, you are delaying the people who are in the elevator. You also could be the 5th person to throw your arm in there. That means the person who waited patiently for 5 minutes for this elevator because she refused to throw her arm in the door (that'd be me), now has to wait another 5 minutes as the doors re-open and close for every person willing to sacrifice their appendages to get on a fucking elevator. I am actually thinking about writing my local government to possibly get razor sharp knives installed on every elevator door in this city. They'll learn real fast that way.
- TAKE OFF YOUR BACKPACK
- Turn down your ear phones - Dude, you're gonna go deaf. When I can hear every word to Mary J Blige circa 1998, it's time for you to turn down the volume and get some new tunes. I suggest Rick Astley. If you're gonna make me listen to your music, at least let it be something I enjoy, and who doesn't enjoy a good Rick Roll?
- Take the fucking stairs, you fatass - There is a company in my building that works on the 3rd floor. I call them the "3rd Floor Fuckers". Every time I see someone come in and press that "3", I have to clench my teeth. How lazy are you? Take the fucking stairs. God created your bipedal legs. You know they're quite an efficient use of energy, right? Oh no, I forgot. You're the laziest sonofabitch I have ever seen in my life. And considering I see myself every day, that is saying something.
I want you all to study these very carefully. If not, you might see me in an elevator and I don't think you will appreciate the bitch-slap I'm gonna give to you if you don't follow my rules.
Coming next week....subway courtesy! GET PUMPED.