- Ladies first, gentlemen - Yes, I know you're an asshole, but ladies should always get on and off the elevator before you. I'm not one for the antiquated laws of unnecessary chivalry, but this is one that pisses me off. Any guy that gets off before me is an asshole. There, I said it.
- Form a line - Too many times I have waited patiently for my elevator only to have some jackass with there Iced Decaf Triple Venti Soy 1 Pump Sugar Free Vanilla Latte (can you tell I used to work at Starbucks?) walk to the front of the line and get in first. Yes, I know there isn't a velvet rope, but it's common courtesy to let those who were there first board the elevator first. The best spots in the elevator are always the ones in the back anyways. You don't have to get out of the elevator to let anyone off ever!! This isn't the Titanic and there's enough room for everyone (most of the time), I know. But just do it. That brings me to my 3rd point...
- If you do get on last, get out of the way when people on lower floors need to get off - Nothing irks me more when the elevator doors open and the people closest to them just stare blankly up at the floor number expecting the people behind them to leap frog over them to get off their floor. Don't worry, asshat, the elevator won't leave without you despite me furiously pressing the "close door" button to leave you behind.
- No, there is not "room for one more" - I once was in a very crowded elevator as we stopped on every single floor on the way down (I can't even tell you how many times I have heard the, "this is the local elevator! Ha Ha Ha" when this happens). I was pretty sure we were filled to maximum capacity as this 300 lb brawd's fake Louis Vuitton was digging into my lower back. The doors open, and this guy, rather than just wait for the next elevator, literally pushed himself in. It was so cramped at this point that I'm pretty sure someone impregnated me. The best part was, the elevator stopped on the next floor and the same asshole was all, "SORRY NO MORE ROOM!" It was at that point when I thought about encouraging the people he denied to stand on his shoulders. Or maybe decapitation. Either one.
- If you see the elevator doors closing, don't throw your arm to get on - Sometimes you're running really late only to see the elevator doors closing on you. It happens to everyone. Well, friend, there are two kinds of people in this world. There are the people who let the doors close because they understand if they wanted that elevator, they should not have been late. Then there are the people who would throw the head of their first born in there to stop the elevator from going up. You see, every time you throw your arm in there, you are delaying the people who are in the elevator. You also could be the 5th person to throw your arm in there. That means the person who waited patiently for 5 minutes for this elevator because she refused to throw her arm in the door (that'd be me), now has to wait another 5 minutes as the doors re-open and close for every person willing to sacrifice their appendages to get on a fucking elevator. I am actually thinking about writing my local government to possibly get razor sharp knives installed on every elevator door in this city. They'll learn real fast that way.
- TAKE OFF YOUR BACKPACK
- Turn down your ear phones - Dude, you're gonna go deaf. When I can hear every word to Mary J Blige circa 1998, it's time for you to turn down the volume and get some new tunes. I suggest Rick Astley. If you're gonna make me listen to your music, at least let it be something I enjoy, and who doesn't enjoy a good Rick Roll?
- Take the fucking stairs, you fatass - There is a company in my building that works on the 3rd floor. I call them the "3rd Floor Fuckers". Every time I see someone come in and press that "3", I have to clench my teeth. How lazy are you? Take the fucking stairs. God created your bipedal legs. You know they're quite an efficient use of energy, right? Oh no, I forgot. You're the laziest sonofabitch I have ever seen in my life. And considering I see myself every day, that is saying something.
I want you all to study these very carefully. If not, you might see me in an elevator and I don't think you will appreciate the bitch-slap I'm gonna give to you if you don't follow my rules.
Coming next week....subway courtesy! GET PUMPED.
44 comments:
CAN I GET AN AMEN?
I like to shout 'HOPE YOUR LEG GETS BETTER' at 3rd Floor Fuckers. Of course, you should always wait until the doors are closing first.
Yes, I know you're an asshole, but ladies should always get on and off the elevator before you.
I disagree. Ladies should always get on first, but the person standing in the door should get off first. Nothing is more annoying than some guy trying to be magnanimous in an elevator while blocking the fucking door. Just get out of the way.
mjones-
a-fucking-men!
seni-
NO! Then they'll throw their arm back in the door and force the doors open again!
ben k-
Agreed. This can only be done if there is room for the parties involve to maneuver properly.
Disagree with most of this. It's a Darwinian world, elevators included. Turn down your earphones and you listen to some bastard crunching hard candy; you only like "ladies first" here because it's fricking convenient for you (why not elderly first? that's a baseline to live with); of course you throw in your arm if you'd otherwise have a long wait; and if you're personally the "one more," of course you'll squeeze in.
This is not a courtesy guideline so much as a recitation of conduct that does not inure to your benefit, but I do agree with 3 and 8 from an efficiency standpoint.
Well, when applicable, I let the elderly on, however I work in a building where I have yet to see anyone over 50.
I can honestly say I have never thrown my arm in since I realized what a fuckjob it does to everyone else.
If it's "one more" I wait. You're only pissy cause I just called you out on being the Elevator Asshole.
Also, you said you disagree with most of this, yet agree with 3-8? That's 75% of my points (points 3 and 8 are inclusive). I know you're not so good with the maths but I would say 75% is "most" of anything.
I'm not sure where your math points are coming from, but I do believe that agreeing with 2 of your 8 points makes me 25 percent in agreement, not 75 percent. Or maybe you're working in theoretical mathematics and it's going over my head.
mother god damn motherfucker. I thought you said 3 through 8.
You like it when people wear backpacks in the elevator?
I don't see backpacks in the elevator because I don't work in a dorm.
Are you saying you've never been in an elevator with a backpack? Like, ever?
I suppose it's possible. Sure. Some dude was going to the gym or something, and there he was with a backpack. It's not beyond the realm of possibility. If, however, I was exposed to such a thing, it didn't register, and it's not common.
You don't notice cause you're not the one they are leaning back into completely unaware of your presence cause they can't feel you because of a foot of backpack between the the both of you.
I was thinking about this shit the other day because there's this bitch in my building who gets on the elevator, presses her floor button, then stands DIRECTLY in front of it so either no one else can press their floor OR they have to reach straight in front of her damn chest to press it. CUNT!!
The ladies first rule also applies to buying drinks at the bar. Any guy is an asshole if they shove a lady out of the way to get a drink.
I love the backpack in the elevator argument. Awesome.
In fact, everything about this blog is awesome. I'm totally recommending this to friends.
I must confess. I love throwing my arm or bag in a closing elevator door. It's like i've won a race (my short distance speed is amazing) and my prize is getting to leave that floor. The extra special treat are the mixed expressions of anger from people who are pissed and shame of those i've caught pushing the close door button. Also, my job requires me to go between floors of the same building all day long so i frequently ride one floor. Its an elevator. Thats what its there for. I workout at the gym.
That said here are three things i think are worthy of your list: People who dont wait for passengers to get off the elevator before they get on. People who talk on the phone in the elevator. Lastly, people who get on the elevator smelling like they just got dropped of by Cheech,Chong and Jeff Spicoli.
B-Button: Where are the elevators you're riding in?? Whatever to you, elevators are the new hotbox and I'd be happy to get in one.
Lol. While i agree this "hotbox" of which you speak sounds like fun and i could be a bit jealous, these elevators are in the courthouse. And 7 times out of ten the crew is getting off the floor where drops are done. Eight times out of ten, the crew is one short when they leave. Ooops!
I didn't notice the backpack because I'm not insane.
Coming next week....subway courtesy! GET PUMPED.
That made me laugh.
The rest of this? A little rantier than what I'm normally accustomed to here, but I'm always a fan of blind rage, so well done.
Oh, and I assume it's OK to ride the elevator with your purse shouldered, but not a backpack? Seems a little sexist.
OK, I agree on every count. Born and bred in NYC and I never got why people can be so inconsiderate
I AM a 3rd floor fucker, but we only have four floor in our building, and this is Gainesville, so elevators aren't a big deal. But yes, I'm mad lazy.
felicia-
Yes, but it's a fine line. Many girls might take advantage of a guy's kindness and demand to be served first everytime regardless of how long the guys was waiting.
john barleycorn-
thanks!
b-button-
The top half of your comment made me growl. You wouldn't have to go to the gym if you took the stairs, you know.
crimenotes-
No you are just apparently apathetic to all aspects of life that don't involve Michigan football.
jhc-
Hardly. I get just as pissed as women with their oversized bags as I do with the backpack wearers. I've seen women wearing backpacks too.
Also, a lot of men here carry a man bag. The backpack is just more obnoxious.
joanna-
Word, yo.
station agent-
Grrrr....although you do get a pass for a smaller building. My building is 18 floors and we only have 4 elevators--2 of which are always out of service.
im way behind here, but i gotta agree with ben k. i used to work at a big law firm where all the snotty young male associates would leap off the elevator (like, shoving me and my 16 binders out of the way to do so) while every single older (ie classier) partner type let me out first.
which was nice
except when the elevator was full of said partners and me, and they all had to cram in at the sides to let me and my binders through. that was annoying.
No you are just apparently apathetic to all aspects of life that don't involve Michigan football.
You forgot about Barack.
I am going to print these out and put them in ALL the elevators of the building I work in.
@crimenotes: excellent. couldn't have said it better myself... only about me.
I recall from a Trivia Pursuit game that the Door Close button is almost always disconnected in elevators. Just in case you were wondering why, sometimes, the furious pressing of that button was not causing the doors to close any faster or pinching the arms of the ne'er-do-wellers. I have, because I am a nerd, timed the door closing with and without the button, I have found it to not make a difference in time. Again, I am a nerd and, as I type this, it is clear that I also need hobbies.
I can't even tell you how much I loved this post. I think you hit on EVERY elevator hating peeve I have. Can't wait for the subway version next. If you need ideas, lemmme know!
Except for 5 I am with you --- But Its a little socialist to be down on the arm stop -- Its a little hippy ish You have to throw the arm to stop the door from shutting if you can. Thats just pure darwinism right there, You have your dinner in site, dont let a hyena come and bitch slap you ... I just respectfully disagree on # 5
Just do me a solid and dont use the back of your hand for the bitch-slap. Knuckles = bruising, i gotta stay pretty.
I take the stairs to the 3rd floor and always feel inclined to play up the limp in my bad knee so people don't glare at me... even if it's not hurting that much that day. Makes me want to wave the doctor's not around...
But please add to the list people who think they have to punch their own floor button and will push past you to do it - as well as the ones who stand right in front of the punch pad and will not punch the button when you say "six, please."
Hi DMBMEG! The title of your blog made me giggle, so I came to visit. Are you a classic "angry New Yorker", or is this just one hot topic for you? I could totally see why. I avoid elevators when possible because these are the very things that would eventually give me chronic high blood pressure. You did leave off a BIG one: People who push into the elevator without waiting for others to get off! GRRRRR!!!
I love that song! (Aerosmith, not Mary J Blige)
Ugh, the not letting the people behind you off the elevator is what REALLY bugs me. That's when I make use of my elbows of steel.
I disagree with many points on your list. The backpack rule is a ridiculous one in a school setting. If I put my backpack down, there's no way I can pick it back up without hitting the person next to me (it is very heavy). Plus it doesn't make note of all of those people who have other bulky things attached to their bodies such as the ginormous tote bag or baby strapped onto body along with entire contents of diaper bags. Also, if you have any manners at all, you'd hit the "door open" button when you see someone making a run for the elevator. You must be seriously lacking in karma points.
Couldn't agree more on the "ladies first" thing here. It drives me nuts.
I would like to reiterate my "ladies' first" point, even though, as a gentleman, I practice it. The fact that it would drive any sensible person "nuts" is just a statement of your own self interest. It has nothing to do with politeness. If I could always be first in line and have my way, I'd take it too, and be driven "nuts" when denied. That doesn't make it an issue of politeness, just self-interest. If you want to be first in, you should be last to complain if someone has to use an arm to enter, or a subsequent companion happens to have a backpack. I always let the ladies go first, but it's just to avoid the passive aggressive body language once I'm on board. But in a sensible, gender-neutral world, you "ladies" would recognize it for what it is: self-promotion disguised as manners.
I've silenced the critics!
oh hush
I've silenced the critics
There's my cue!
OK, so 40 some comments of pearlclutching and highgroundstaking and no one's talked about the people who get on before you get off ? I mean, that's considered rude on the freaking subway, where people clip toenails, throw garbage under the seats and sing doo-wop hits for cash.
Hmm ...
Note to Improv Everywhere: Can we get some elevator buskers up in this piece?
I don't ride in elevators much, mostly because we don't have them here. Well, we do have grain elevators but if you ride one of those it means you die. Talk about annoying, right? Death by corn, or asphyxiation (and not the cool kind with a belt on your neck and your junk in your hand), more accurately. Smothered, by your own crops. It's a horrible way to go I hear. Just imagine being buried with corn? Not hot buttered corn on the cob because that would be awesome. Man, I'm hungry as fuck. I'M STARVING AND NO ONE CARES! No corn on the cob deliveries at this hour. Maybe I'll have some cereal. Honey Nut Cheerios are good. I'll do that.
Honey Nut Cheerios were cashed, but Apple Jacks are in the house. Fuck these are good. I'm rocking a mixing bowl of Apple Jacks which is like the antithesis of being smothered to death with grain. mmmmmm.... Apple Jacks....
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