Recently I sent a package to a friend with an upcoming birthday. My one condition about receiving said gifts was to be that they wait for me to open the presents. I just like hearing and/or seeing people's reactions. It makes me happy.
The problem was, I had a meeting at 9:30 am and the packages arrived at this person's house early in the am. I assured the recipient that I would be back by noon, and to wait for me. Upon returning to my desk at 11:50 am, I was greeted with the series of following emails from the recipient which I had to re-read about 3 times to eventually stop laughing.
Enjoy.
from: [name redacted]
to: Megan
date: Tue, Apr 8, 2008 at 10:56 AM
subject: Greetings
Dearest Megan,
As the sun rises in the sky, so does my desire to unsheathe my gifts. Doth thou not knowest my thirst?
Regards,
[name redacted]
subject: Greetings
Dearest Megan,
As the sun rises in the sky, so does my desire to unsheathe my gifts. Doth thou not knowest my thirst?
Regards,
[name redacted]
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from: [name redacted]
to: Megan
date: Tue, Apr 8, 2008 at 11:02 AM
subject: Hello!
Dearest Megan,
It's causing me significant distress to honor my presental agreement with you. I feel if I were to unmask one of the three strangers that were delivered unto me, I'd find the ability to breath more easily. Curiosity killed the cat, but to be honest, he deserved it.
I do not.
Your meeting needs to end now so I can free these parcels from their parchment prisons.
In Great Pain,
[name redacted]
subject: Hello!
Dearest Megan,
It's causing me significant distress to honor my presental agreement with you. I feel if I were to unmask one of the three strangers that were delivered unto me, I'd find the ability to breath more easily. Curiosity killed the cat, but to be honest, he deserved it.
I do not.
Your meeting needs to end now so I can free these parcels from their parchment prisons.
In Great Pain,
[name redacted]
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to: Megan
date: Tue, Apr 8, 2008 at 11:08 AM
subject: Hi
Dearest Megan,
After much thought, I've determined that my previous correspondence may have been slightly intemperate. Desire and patience make strange bedfellows, and I fear I let desire rule the roost for just a bit. I've regained control of my emotions and would like to sincerely apologize for my previous note.
Thank you.
Gratefully,
[name redacted]
subject: Hi
Dearest Megan,
After much thought, I've determined that my previous correspondence may have been slightly intemperate. Desire and patience make strange bedfellows, and I fear I let desire rule the roost for just a bit. I've regained control of my emotions and would like to sincerely apologize for my previous note.
Thank you.
Gratefully,
[name redacted]
----------------------------------------------------------------------
from: [name redacted]
to: Megan
date: Tue, Apr 8, 2008 at 11:14 AM
subject: Clarification
Dearest Megan,
It's with regret that I'm penning this note, for I've made an error and must now accept responsibility for it. In my apology note, I was not clear, I fear, so I would like to re-apologize here. In my previous note (the third in the series of three) I was apologizing for the brevity with which I spoke of your package in my second note. I wasn't talking about my first note in the third note. I see now I was not clear in my first apology note (the third note in the series, i.e. the note previous to this one). Just wanted to clear that up.
You will not hear from me again (by post) on this matter.
Thank you.
Filled With Shame,
[name redacted]
subject: Clarification
Dearest Megan,
It's with regret that I'm penning this note, for I've made an error and must now accept responsibility for it. In my apology note, I was not clear, I fear, so I would like to re-apologize here. In my previous note (the third in the series of three) I was apologizing for the brevity with which I spoke of your package in my second note. I wasn't talking about my first note in the third note. I see now I was not clear in my first apology note (the third note in the series, i.e. the note previous to this one). Just wanted to clear that up.
You will not hear from me again (by post) on this matter.
Thank you.
Filled With Shame,
[name redacted]
-------------------------------------------------------------------
from: [name redacted]
to: Megan
date: Tue, Apr 8, 2008 at 11:22 AM
subject: One More Thing
Dearest Megan,
Thanks for the packages. I'm happy to wait as long as it takes for you to get out of your meeting. I'm just grateful to have gifts at all, so no matter how many hours you're in your meeting, it's no problem. I really don't mind that you're in some meeting going on and on and on and on and on about LY and YTD and SSG and the like. I'm like more patient than anyone. I mean, just the other day, someone yelled "Hey, Job!" and I looked, because I thought they were talking to me. They weren't. Also, they were yelling "Hey, Jew!" and there was this huge race war right there in the bread aisle at the supermarket. There was rye bread and blood everywhere! It was crazy, crazy stuff. Anyway, I'll wait all day (and it appears I'll have to) if necessary. Yup. I'll just sit here and wait. No big!
Job's got nothin on me!
Patiently Waiting,
[name redacted]
subject: One More Thing
Dearest Megan,
Thanks for the packages. I'm happy to wait as long as it takes for you to get out of your meeting. I'm just grateful to have gifts at all, so no matter how many hours you're in your meeting, it's no problem. I really don't mind that you're in some meeting going on and on and on and on and on about LY and YTD and SSG and the like. I'm like more patient than anyone. I mean, just the other day, someone yelled "Hey, Job!" and I looked, because I thought they were talking to me. They weren't. Also, they were yelling "Hey, Jew!" and there was this huge race war right there in the bread aisle at the supermarket. There was rye bread and blood everywhere! It was crazy, crazy stuff. Anyway, I'll wait all day (and it appears I'll have to) if necessary. Yup. I'll just sit here and wait. No big!
Job's got nothin on me!
Patiently Waiting,
[name redacted]
---------------------------------------------------------------------
from: [name redacted]
to: Megan
date: Tue, Apr 8, 2008 at 11:29 AM
subject: WHY?
Dearest Megan,
I know you're there. You're just sitting there eating a sushi sub, drinking a Coke Zero, and reading Defamer while I'm here crying my eyes out.
Why have you forsaken me?
Bleak Future Gazing,
[name redacted]
subject: WHY?
Dearest Megan,
I know you're there. You're just sitting there eating a sushi sub, drinking a Coke Zero, and reading Defamer while I'm here crying my eyes out.
Why have you forsaken me?
Bleak Future Gazing,
[name redacted]
---------------------------------------------------------------------
from: [name redacted]
to: Megan
date: Tue, Apr 8, 2008 at 11:31 AM
subject: !!!!!!!!!
Dearest Megan,
Hmmmph!
No Longer On Speaking Terms,
[name redacted]
subject: !!!!!!!!!
Dearest Megan,
Hmmmph!
No Longer On Speaking Terms,
[name redacted]
----------------------------------------------------------------------
from: [name redacted]
to: Megan
date: Tue, Apr 8, 2008 at 11:33 AM
subject: Nice Try
Dearest Megan,
You think you can break me? HA! HA HA! HA! Never! I can do this all day. Waiting? This is fun! I'm having a fucking blast here, so if you think you got me, you're sorely mistaken. [twirls in a circle doing jazz hands] See that? Light as a feather!
Call me AD (that means All Day)!!!
WOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Doing Time Like It's My Job,
[name redacted]
subject: Nice Try
Dearest Megan,
You think you can break me? HA! HA HA! HA! Never! I can do this all day. Waiting? This is fun! I'm having a fucking blast here, so if you think you got me, you're sorely mistaken. [twirls in a circle doing jazz hands] See that? Light as a feather!
Call me AD (that means All Day)!!!
WOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Doing Time Like It's My Job,
[name redacted]
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
from: [name redacted]
to: Megan
date: Tue, Apr 8, 2008 at 11:36 AM
subject: So
Dearest Megan,
I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S TAKING SO LONG AND I WANNA LOOK AT MY STUFF! WHAT THE HELL KINDA MEETING TAKES 7 HOURS ON A TUESDAY MORNING ANYWAY? NOT COOL!!!
WANTMYPRESENTSNOWKTHXBAI!!!
Seething,
[name redacted]
subject: So
Dearest Megan,
I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S TAKING SO LONG AND I WANNA LOOK AT MY STUFF! WHAT THE HELL KINDA MEETING TAKES 7 HOURS ON A TUESDAY MORNING ANYWAY? NOT COOL!!!
WANTMYPRESENTSNOWKTHXBAI!!!
Seething,
[name redacted]
----------------------------------------------------------------------
from: [name redacted]
to: Megan
date: Tue, Apr 8, 2008 at 11:46 AM
subject: So
Dearest Megan,
I NEED them! I need these presents! I have to open them! I'm so excited! I'm so excited! I'm so... scared.
Filled With Pills,
[name redacted]
subject: So
Dearest Megan,
I NEED them! I need these presents! I have to open them! I'm so excited! I'm so excited! I'm so... scared.
Filled With Pills,
[name redacted]
-------------------------------------------------------------------
from: Megan
to: [name redacted]
date: Tue, Apr 8, 2008 at 11:52 AM
subject: Re: So
oh, dear.
subject: Re: So
oh, dear.
21 comments:
I laughed through this entire post... but i LOL'ed with the SBTB ref.
So what were the gifts!!!
xo
irish
Hahaha this is a post where you really LOL and I mean really. Hats off to [redacted]for being a patient mofo
Irish, it was candles. Sweet musky candles.
Crackfire, yes. I am patient. Thank you.
yes...CANDLES!
crackfire-
You call THAT patient? pffft! I forgot to include the email that simply stated:
[tasmanian devil sound]
WAS NOT AN EMAIL, THAT WAS AN IM!
WAS TOO AN EMAIL!!!!!!
Hmmmph!
well, now you have your candles to ease the pain.
The napalm one is the best. I love to burn it in the mornings when I do my yoga.
Also, WHAT THE HELL KINDA MEETING TAKES 7 HOURS ON A TUESDAY MORNING ANYWAY?
Have you burned the Agent Orange one I sent you as well? I thought it smelled delicious.
I told you I would be back by noon. I'm very important around here, you know. People need me. This whole place would fall apart without me.
OMG, yes! I burn that when I'm ironing... and I iron a lot! LOLZ!!!
The meeting was too effing long. Can't you people use email?
Maybe I'll send you the mustard gas candle I saw at the store as well!!!!
Yes, sorry. How DARE my meeting get in the way of your presents. Don't they know who you are?
If you were on top of it, you would know that post offices open at 8am usually and you could have been back in time to open my presents before my meeting. It's your own fault.
i very VERY much appreciate the jesse spano reference. i do not appreciate the sounds i just made as i tried to conceal my laughter from my boss.
Yes! They had a mustard gas scratch 'n sniff advertisement in my Redbook last month! It was amazing. It was like grey poupon and fire... mmmmm.... skin.....
It was from the Saddam Hussein Collection.
Now available at KMart.
[name redacted] is HILARIOUS!!! And possibly a certifiable spammer, at this point.
LOVED the Saved by the Bell reference, as I (still) love all things SBTB (but, like, nostalgically, not the new class or anything freaky like that)!
Also, one thing that just stuck out for me... what is a sushi sub? Is that as gross as it sounds? (Ie, a sandwich with sushi rolls on it? *yack*)
I will let [name redacted] address your question, Jen, as you most likely made his year with your comment. :)
jenbun, Megan's favorite things are sushi, coke zero, and making good hearted souls wait.
To answer your question - Yes, a sushi sub is exactly as gross as you think it is.
IT TASTES SO MUCH LIKE REGULAR COKE I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND.
Thanks, [name redacted]!
It's not the Coke Zero I have a problem with... sushi subs? I think that may just be the grossest thing I could possibly imagine. It used to be sushi, but it's even worse if you put it on bread. Ick, with mustard and mayo or something.
And now sandwiches have been ruined. At least for today.
I think I just got in trouble for laughing a bit too loud at a blog I'm not supposed to be reading righht now. Oops.
Who doesn't love that SBTB reference. Even if Eleizabeth Berkley is an evil bitch.
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