Kids are assholes. All of them. Don't come to me all, "but my kid is nice!" NO. Case in point:
I was biking in Central Park last weekend minding my own business when something rolled in front of my tire. I was biking by a baseball diamond so I assumed it was some kid hitting a major league pop-up foul ball. I heard something else behind me and saw the exact same yellow ball roll behind me.
I turned around and saw a group of kids standing there laughing. LAUGHING AT ME. I looked down to see what they threw, and it was an apple. A full apple. Not only were they trying to kill me, but these fucks wasted food. So I did what anyone would do, I turned around and biked after them.
I pointed at the THIRD apple that they threw at me that was lodged in my spokes and demanded one of the twats pick it out. They were all, "Why you getting so angry?" and I was all, "Cause you tried to kill me you fuck faces! Do you know how fast I was going?"
Granted, they could have killed me (again) as I was like a foot shorter than the shortest kid (they were about 15), but they were kind enough to only keep their attempts are murdering me restricted to throwing Golden Deliciouses my way.
I followed one of the kids for like 2 minutes (I was angry yo) yelling at him to take out the apple. Lucky for him it fell out on its own accord. I then waved down a cop car and everyone took off.
This one bitch had the audacity to approach me that I was yelling at the wrong kid and they were just "being immature". Well, fuck you too lady. I don't care who threw it. They were all in a group and no one stopped whoever threw it and in my mind that makes them all partly guilty.
I then wished I still had the apple to throw at her head.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
28 comments:
Oh my God, I totally empathize with you. I never thought I would, at the tender age of 25, start thinking of teenagers as ne'er-do-well assholes but I'm there. Maybe if they stopped the attempted assassinations I would change my opinion. Fuck more schools, we need more juvenile detentions.
That's so awesome. I'm glad you don't take it back a notch from those stupid fucktwats. Children are horrendous. Every day I thank the Lord he made me queer so I can't accidentally impregnate a girl and be responsible for a drooling idiot asshole.
I totally agreed with your statement that because they were all in a group, they were all at fault. That's the essence of what the criminal law defines as accomplice liability. Those punks keep that sh1t up as adults, and they can be sitting in jail or prison making excuses like "my friend did it, I didn't."
Glad you weren't injured. I'd have been really pissed, too.
When Life gives you apples, make applesauce!
Then you can follow Life home and poison his fucking dog.
The reason there are so many fucked up kids is because they have fucked up parents. Unfortunately parenting skills are not required to be a parent.
I just almost spit out my Cherry Coke Zero all over my monitor thinking about you turning around and biking after them.
I see this scene set to the music from Wizard of Oz when the Wicked Witch of the West rides her bike through the sky. Duh duh duh duh duhhhh duh, duh duh duh duh!
I'LL GET YOU MY PRETTY!
I'm with Hellafied. Very grumpy, Dorthea Gulch-like behavior. Chill out and throw some motherfucking fruit.
Too bad Grand Theft Auto IV doesn't have a function where you can throw apples at cantankerous cyclists, because that's what I'd do all day long.
I wish GTA had an option to throw grenades in your apt.
katie-
LOCK ALL THE CHILDREN UP
JOHN-
drooling idiot asshole
Awesome. I love the gays.
s-
I kinda wish I broke my leg so I could rip it off and beat them over the head with it.
bucketochicken-
If I wasn't so grossed out by touching other people's food, I probably would have picked the thing up and threw it back.
sam-
Perhaps the kids should have thrown apples at their fucking parents.
Hellafied-
HMMMMMPH!
Considering the company you keep, condemning fruit-throwing teens seems like risky business. Apparently, somebody's forgotten an evening spent hurling baby bok choi off an apartment rooftop at unsuspecting pedestrians on a major thoroughfare. Or the dumb bastard who let people shoot him in the balls with high-powered toy missiles. Basically, this entire post is an invitation to get plugged in the head with a watermelon slice. Watch your back, Hoss.
I never threw the bok choi. That was thrown long before I arrived. Those pedestrians also weren't going 30 mph.
I hate teenagers. I swear I was never as annoying as teenagers are today. And I never thought to try to deliberately hurt someone as sport.
I have had to parent several children in public when their parents refuse to do so. My favorite was chasing down two little pricks in my complex who insisted on repeatedly throwing rocks at cars passing in the street with the club for my car. One of them fell and scrapped up their knee, sobbing incoherently and I just stepped on him to get to the other and then marched them into the street and screaming up and down the road until their parents came out to claim them. Then I while we waited I called the cops and pressed charges for the damage done to my car.
Like I said, I hate teenagers.
Good for you! I would have chased after them too, but I probably would have gathered up some rocks first to throw at them while I was riding towards them.
:Hellafied: Yes! That is exactly what I was picturing too.
:Crimentoes: This is where we're supposed to agree with her and stuff, not bring up past contradictory behavior.
To the author: I would tell you that you made a mistake in challenging a group of punks. It's dangerous. They're not going to change anyway. However, I once ran down a group of teenagers, grabbed one of their bikes, and took it home with me when I was in a similar situation, so I'll just say I'm glad you weren't hurt.
Run by fruiting made me snort!
I have heinous neighbor brats who skateboard up and down the street (badly!) and will not move when a car comes. I'm really hoping someone flies around the corner one day and hits one of the little fuckers. I loathe them.
Also, not related to anything in this post, but what did you think of the Lost finale? I saw this and thought of you:
www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/sawyer
Honestly, who wasn't a dick when they were fifteen?
Whoever that was, it's someone I don't want to know.
Apple to the head!
Whoa. . . I'd chalk that up to the parents. I mean, I know that you can't control teenagers, but seriously. I knew that if I ever got caught doing something like that, I would be in some serious trouble.
I like kids when they're toddlers up until the age of 8. My age of tolerance keeps getting lower and lower every year.
Ooh, a Mrs. Doubtfire reference. There aren't enough of those in the world.
And yea, kids are idiots. What's even funny about making a person crash on their bike? Bike crashes in real life are horrifying.
Yes, I commend your usage of Mrs. Doubtfire quotes to describe the situation. Glad you came out unscathed and yeah, I probably would've set the kids on fire.
God damn kids. I hate 'em. Except when they get jobs and pay Social Security taxes yo.
stupid kids. i regularly wish i had a rubberband gun to shoot at the annoying neighbor kids.
damnit.
no yeah, youre definitely right. all assholes. thanks for fighting hard against america's real enemy.
You should have run them over (the bitch too). The world would have thanked you for it later.
LOVED the story, but for my money, I'd like to throw the apples back at the parents of these little rug rats... my biggest pet peeve is the mother who says, "not my child... he's a good boy..."
of course nyc kids would throw apples. they were probably organic too. i miss the days when kids just threw rocks at strangers. they were keepin' it real.
Kids are stupid. Even mine.
Post a Comment