50 Goodbyes

I've never been very good at goodbyes and being that I'm leaving in less than two weeks (!), I thought I would take this time to create a blog post to tell everyone that I have met since coming to New York what I really think of them. And no, I'm not telling which one is you.

1. You think everyone loves you, but they don't. In fact, I would guess most of the people that you think adore you really just follow you around cause they are scared. I'm not though, and that's why you never really liked me either, huh? Oh, and you're really not as funny as you think you are. At all.
2. You are one of my soul mates. It's rare to find someone of such beauty, intelligence and humor. I'm so happy I'm your friend.
3. Yes, your dick was big but you smelled like smoke all the time. And no, you really weren't that good in bed. Heavy breathing goes a long way, doesn't it?
4. You were my partner in crime for the last few years. I've never met anyone so happy go lucky and self assured in my life. I'm going to miss you so much.
5. Sure, you talk about yourself a lot and are spoiled rotten, but you have a heart of gold deep down. I wish you happiness in your life ahead.
6. I really think the fact that you spent $1800 on a purse is the most absurd thing in the world, but your advice is like gold to me. Thanks for helping me through some tough times. Plus, your clothes? I want to steal them.
7. The reason I'm so cold to you now isn't cause of you, it's your boyfriend. He's an ass and I don't see this ending well.
8. You deserve someone who will love you as much as I do. No one in NY makes me laugh as much as you do.
9. Well, you make me laugh too. I wish you saw yourself like I see you. I'm secretly jealous of you cause you're so awesome. Someday you'll realize how awesome you actually are.
10. I want to have sex with you.
11. You hurt me, more than you realize. You do not have all the answers, and it appears if you remain that closed minded, you never will.
12. YOUR BLOG MAKES ME WANT TO STAB MYSELF IN THE EYE WITH A SPOON. Stop taking yourself so seriously. You're not funny, OR a good writer. (No, TK, it's not you :) )
13. You are one of the sleaziest men I have ever met in my life. I knew that from the day (ok maybe week) you came into my life. You totally got what you deserve.
14. I love you.
15. OMG why are you so cranky all the time? Clearly you get fed, so WHY? You seem nice and all, so WHY?
16. You practically stalk me and I know it. Like, do you watch SWF on repeat to get ideas? Also, the veiled confidence is very very transparent. The reason your single is cause you're annoying. Nothing else.
17. You're gay. Stop trying to hide it. Everyone suspects it.
18. You're an asshole, but I enjoyed the times we spent together. You made me laugh a lot.
19. You broke my heart more than my ex-boyfriend did. The way I was so disposable to you is something I still think about.
20. You are certifiably crazy and an actual stalker. There was a time there I was actually concerned for my safety. And your dick curved in a way that made me think your mom dropped you on it when you were a kid.
21. You were my favorite of the NY bloggers. Always will be :)
22. You are one of the most inspirational people I have ever met in my life. You have more guts and (warranted) self confidence than anyone I have ever known. Stay that way.
23. You are a misogynist. The way you treat women is despicable.
24. Yes, you really do look like a bird. I just didn't want to agree with the guy in front of you.
25. Your status messages make me LOLzy on a daily basis. Please don't stop them!
26. People thought you were mean, but you aren't. You're just honest, and that is one of the most admirable qualities I have ever met in someone. Thank you for showing me that.
27. You truly are the worst person I have ever met in my life. You lied to me, you know it, I know it. I would be more sympathetic to you if you were a cutter rather than spewing the hideous vitriol you do on a daily basis to people you come in contact with. Also, put down the cheeseburger, you've clearly had enough.
28. You're being lied to, and you don't know it. No hard feelings.
29. I'm not sure whether I like you, or dislike you. It changes daily it seems.
30. You got married cause you were scared to be alone. I thought you looked like a stuff sausage in your dress. What you did to ________ to get her fired was cruel. Remember, what goes around comes around, honey.
31. I'll miss you friend, and our times together. Keep your chin up. You'll find him.
32. Why did you de-friend me on Facebook? What did I ever do to you? It was them.
33. Wow, you have a lot of wrinkles for being 2 years younger than me. Your body is banging though, so I don't know why you keep on talking about how fat you are.
34. You are the most difficult person that I have ever had the displeasure of working with. By a long shot.
35. How you got so far in life knowing as little as you do is beyond me.
36. You could be the most whiney girl I have ever met. Your desire to one up me all the time is very transparent. Look, I know you're smarter than me, but get over it. Your social skills SUCK.
37. Your kid looks like he's missing a chromosome. Just sayin!
38. I had so much fun going out with you. You and your girlfriend are two of the most awesome people ever. I wish you guys both a long and happy life together.
39. It is true that you don't know what you got til it's gone., and that phrase couldn't be more accurate to describe my feelings for you. You were awesome and I should have told you more.
40. I never understood your infatuation with your girlfriend, but whatever. as long as you are happy. You are one of the greatest guys I have ever met (and yes, I may have had a minor crush on you).
41. I thought you were shrill and it took every ounce of my being to not knock your teeth in when you spoke over me.
42. You were one of the first people I ever met in New York that I would honestly consider to be worthy of being my friend. I'm sorry we lost touch. Singing Wham! with you on repeat was awesome.
43. You were my first Jersey stereotype that I enjoyed being around. You never took yourself seriously. That's a hard quality to find in someone. But I have a question, how did you not get weighed down by all those chains?
44. I think you're a nice girl, you're just looking for positive reinforcement from the wrong person. She talks behind your back and it breaks my heart.
45. What they did to you was horrible, but you are better off where you are now. Good riddance, right??
46. Dude, I only liked you cause there was no one else around. Get over yourself, you never were and certainly are not my type. You are kind of funny though. I was telling you the truth about that.
47. You never liked me cause more people liked me than you. Women like you give the rest of us normal ones a bad name.
48. How someone so smart can be so stupid is beyond me. And please, stop asking me questions during tv shows. I never told you, but I hated it.
49. Your blog was awesome. I miss it.
50. !!!!!!!!!!!! (OK, this one I will admit is Ryan Gosling)