Your mom's WHAT?

A while back, I had a party at my apartment. It was July of 2007. I was throwing a party in honor of my new roommate and my friend Meg, who was celebrating her birthday that month.

Now, back in 2007 I was just befriending a lot of people here in NYC through this blog. There was one in particular that drove me up the wall. Now, there is a chance that she could read this, but given that she seriously fucked over a friend of mine, I don't fucking care (although more than likely she is too busy staring at herself in the mirror trying to convince herself she's worth a damn in this world). ANYWAYS. Her tears of humiliation mean more enjoyment for you.

Now, the rules of a party is you show up no earlier than an hour or so before said party begins. The exception to the rule is if you are pretty close with the party thrower, then you can show up whenever, even BEFORE the posted start time.

So there I am with Meg, her friend, my roommate, and maybe one of my roommates friends. The party started at 8pm, technically, which really meant it started at 9pm. Now you can imagine my surprise when the door buzzed at 7:55pm and in walked said blogger. I was a little put off guard, and given this girl has a penchant for saying really inappropriate things at the WORST times, I was a little bummed. There I was sober trying to have some fun with one of the most awesome girls I have ever met, and now I had to deal with this girl. But, I put on my party face and dealt with it. I'm a survivor, you know? I invited her, so I had to deal.

Eventually the cocktails were flowing and her obnoxious words became a little easier to tolerate. Meg and her friend even let her into a little inside joke they were running all night. I can't remember how it went exactly, but any sentence they spoke somehow involved their "mons pubis" (don't click on the link if you are at work. To summarize, it's the lady mound in a woman's no-no region that hurts when you sit on a bicycle). Like, "My mons pubis likes Jenga." or "My mons pubis really likes this song." I swear, it is 1000 times funnier when Meg was saying it.

So there are Meg and friend going back and forth, and I'm laughing my ass off. All of a sudden, Janie McAnnoystheshitoutofme piped in with something to the effect of "I wanna be friends with my mom's pubis."

No seriously, it was like that. MY MOM'S PUBIS.

Awkward!

(welcome disturbing google searches in 3...2...1...)

My gift to you.

You heard it right! You can now be my fan on Facebook.

Consider it an early Christmas present...and if you are Jewish, Happy Belated Hannukah.

You're welcome.

Love,
IQJY.

50 Goodbyes

I've never been very good at goodbyes and being that I'm leaving in less than two weeks (!), I thought I would take this time to create a blog post to tell everyone that I have met since coming to New York what I really think of them. And no, I'm not telling which one is you.

1. You think everyone loves you, but they don't. In fact, I would guess most of the people that you think adore you really just follow you around cause they are scared. I'm not though, and that's why you never really liked me either, huh? Oh, and you're really not as funny as you think you are. At all.
2. You are one of my soul mates. It's rare to find someone of such beauty, intelligence and humor. I'm so happy I'm your friend.
3. Yes, your dick was big but you smelled like smoke all the time. And no, you really weren't that good in bed. Heavy breathing goes a long way, doesn't it?
4. You were my partner in crime for the last few years. I've never met anyone so happy go lucky and self assured in my life. I'm going to miss you so much.
5. Sure, you talk about yourself a lot and are spoiled rotten, but you have a heart of gold deep down. I wish you happiness in your life ahead.
6. I really think the fact that you spent $1800 on a purse is the most absurd thing in the world, but your advice is like gold to me. Thanks for helping me through some tough times. Plus, your clothes? I want to steal them.
7. The reason I'm so cold to you now isn't cause of you, it's your boyfriend. He's an ass and I don't see this ending well.
8. You deserve someone who will love you as much as I do. No one in NY makes me laugh as much as you do.
9. Well, you make me laugh too. I wish you saw yourself like I see you. I'm secretly jealous of you cause you're so awesome. Someday you'll realize how awesome you actually are.
10. I want to have sex with you.
11. You hurt me, more than you realize. You do not have all the answers, and it appears if you remain that closed minded, you never will.
12. YOUR BLOG MAKES ME WANT TO STAB MYSELF IN THE EYE WITH A SPOON. Stop taking yourself so seriously. You're not funny, OR a good writer. (No, TK, it's not you :) )
13. You are one of the sleaziest men I have ever met in my life. I knew that from the day (ok maybe week) you came into my life. You totally got what you deserve.
14. I love you.
15. OMG why are you so cranky all the time? Clearly you get fed, so WHY? You seem nice and all, so WHY?
16. You practically stalk me and I know it. Like, do you watch SWF on repeat to get ideas? Also, the veiled confidence is very very transparent. The reason your single is cause you're annoying. Nothing else.
17. You're gay. Stop trying to hide it. Everyone suspects it.
18. You're an asshole, but I enjoyed the times we spent together. You made me laugh a lot.
19. You broke my heart more than my ex-boyfriend did. The way I was so disposable to you is something I still think about.
20. You are certifiably crazy and an actual stalker. There was a time there I was actually concerned for my safety. And your dick curved in a way that made me think your mom dropped you on it when you were a kid.
21. You were my favorite of the NY bloggers. Always will be :)
22. You are one of the most inspirational people I have ever met in my life. You have more guts and (warranted) self confidence than anyone I have ever known. Stay that way.
23. You are a misogynist. The way you treat women is despicable.
24. Yes, you really do look like a bird. I just didn't want to agree with the guy in front of you.
25. Your status messages make me LOLzy on a daily basis. Please don't stop them!
26. People thought you were mean, but you aren't. You're just honest, and that is one of the most admirable qualities I have ever met in someone. Thank you for showing me that.
27. You truly are the worst person I have ever met in my life. You lied to me, you know it, I know it. I would be more sympathetic to you if you were a cutter rather than spewing the hideous vitriol you do on a daily basis to people you come in contact with. Also, put down the cheeseburger, you've clearly had enough.
28. You're being lied to, and you don't know it. No hard feelings.
29. I'm not sure whether I like you, or dislike you. It changes daily it seems.
30. You got married cause you were scared to be alone. I thought you looked like a stuff sausage in your dress. What you did to ________ to get her fired was cruel. Remember, what goes around comes around, honey.
31. I'll miss you friend, and our times together. Keep your chin up. You'll find him.
32. Why did you de-friend me on Facebook? What did I ever do to you? It was them.
33. Wow, you have a lot of wrinkles for being 2 years younger than me. Your body is banging though, so I don't know why you keep on talking about how fat you are.
34. You are the most difficult person that I have ever had the displeasure of working with. By a long shot.
35. How you got so far in life knowing as little as you do is beyond me.
36. You could be the most whiney girl I have ever met. Your desire to one up me all the time is very transparent. Look, I know you're smarter than me, but get over it. Your social skills SUCK.
37. Your kid looks like he's missing a chromosome. Just sayin!
38. I had so much fun going out with you. You and your girlfriend are two of the most awesome people ever. I wish you guys both a long and happy life together.
39. It is true that you don't know what you got til it's gone., and that phrase couldn't be more accurate to describe my feelings for you. You were awesome and I should have told you more.
40. I never understood your infatuation with your girlfriend, but whatever. as long as you are happy. You are one of the greatest guys I have ever met (and yes, I may have had a minor crush on you).
41. I thought you were shrill and it took every ounce of my being to not knock your teeth in when you spoke over me.
42. You were one of the first people I ever met in New York that I would honestly consider to be worthy of being my friend. I'm sorry we lost touch. Singing Wham! with you on repeat was awesome.
43. You were my first Jersey stereotype that I enjoyed being around. You never took yourself seriously. That's a hard quality to find in someone. But I have a question, how did you not get weighed down by all those chains?
44. I think you're a nice girl, you're just looking for positive reinforcement from the wrong person. She talks behind your back and it breaks my heart.
45. What they did to you was horrible, but you are better off where you are now. Good riddance, right??
46. Dude, I only liked you cause there was no one else around. Get over yourself, you never were and certainly are not my type. You are kind of funny though. I was telling you the truth about that.
47. You never liked me cause more people liked me than you. Women like you give the rest of us normal ones a bad name.
48. How someone so smart can be so stupid is beyond me. And please, stop asking me questions during tv shows. I never told you, but I hated it.
49. Your blog was awesome. I miss it.
50. !!!!!!!!!!!! (OK, this one I will admit is Ryan Gosling)

Blogs!

So in a way I feel like I'm starting this blogging thing over from scratch. The blogs I used to read on a daily basis pretty much no longer exist as the authors have either 1) actually get laid now, 2) changed jobs so they actually have to "work", 3) were tired of me leaving comments to the effect of "THIS IS THE BEST BLOG EV-ER.", or 4) Became the most boring drivel on the internet other than CNN. Seriously, I'm blown away that I actually used to read this blog (which has become somewhat popular since I left the blogging community) because it reads like a bad sitcom where ridiculous scenarios are clearly a figment of the author's imagination.

I guess my question is, are there any good blogs out there written by funny people who, you know, aren't like my Jayson Blair blogger mentioned above?

NOTE: I'm just too lazy to go looking for new blogs myself. It's seriously overwhelming. The internetz is yuge.